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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28226850">BLACK INK LOVERS</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/fulcrumstardust/pseuds/fulcrumstardust'>fulcrumstardust</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Winter Holidays [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, And for our next trick: Dealing With Your Feelings, Angst, Cassian deserves a big happy alive family, Cassian's family is very nosy, Christmas Smut, Drunk Sex, Exes to Lovers, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Getting Back Together, Happy Ending, Jyn holds a baby and suddenly it's 404 error, Kink: Trust, Mutual Pining, Oral Sex, Romance, Unprotected Sex, canon has no power here, fluffy cuddles</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 15:49:21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>19,423</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28226850</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/fulcrumstardust/pseuds/fulcrumstardust</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p><br/>When Cassian and Jyn meet again after five years apart, they realize the breakup didn't solve anything. Pretend to be shocked?<br/></p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Cassian Andor/Jyn Erso</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Winter Holidays [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2107935</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>169</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>287</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>The urge to write a winter piece was just too great, so here I am trying to uphold the tradition! 🎄🎁 A very self-indulgent story and I'm not a bit sorry. Cassian is 34, Jyn is 29. Thank you to VintageVulpes for the beta! </p><p><a href="https://veronicabunchwrites.tumblr.com/post/179652750577">Original prompt</a> (that got derailed): "We used to date years ago and run into each other at our hometown bar and damn, you look better than ever, are you single? let’s make out."</p><p>Note: previously titled "Nobody quite like you"</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>I think I could love you 'til the day that you die</em>
  </strong><br/>
<strong>
    <em>If you let me love you when the timing is right</em>
  </strong>
</p><p>- PVRIS, Old Wounds -</p><p> </p><p>Going back to your hometown is like moving back in time. The familiar faces of people you can’t name anymore, the streets that once seemed bolder and bigger, the bittersweet reminiscences of high school days, the unforgettable laugh of your ex.</p><p>Wait— what?</p><p>Attention spinning fast from the table, Cassian scanned the crowded room in search of that long-gone memory. Surely, it couldn’t be. Even in a scaled-down town, the coincidence would be too great.</p><p>Among all the Redshift’s customers, the tiny silhouette of a woman leaned against the bar and tapped her glass with the old man sitting next to her. She laughed again. Despite the ambient chatter and buzzing music coming through cranky wall speakers, it was enough of a confirmation. Cassian was on his feet the next second, leaving old classmates behind to fend the crowd like a spear.</p><p>He didn’t pause to think about it. He didn’t question his impulse. A no-brainer, really.</p><p>“Jyn,” he said, coming around her seat to greet her.</p><p>She turned to his voice, initial surprise quickly replaced by a deep incredulity when their eyes locked. For a fraction of a second, air froze in Cassian’s lungs. The time machine punched him right in the gut. Surrounded by colorful string lights draping the walls and bathing everything with a golden glow, Jyn seemed unreal. Years had nothing on her. Then or now, her bright, beautiful eyes could kill a man on sight. Drop-dead gorgeous.</p><p>“Cassian,” she gasped, and her voice went through him like a shiver.</p><p>She stared at him for another second, a little flush on her face, before rotating her seat fully. She tugged at his arm, as if checking his material existence. A warmer smile stretched her red lips. Cassian instantly remembered how much he liked to see it. “I can’t believe it!” she exclaimed, “what are you doing here?”</p><p>“Just having a drink with some guys from the team,” he said, vaguely gesturing a hand behind him. Truth be told, all prior commitments already forgotten. “What are <em>you </em>doing here? Haven’t seen you in— what, five years?”</p><p>She smirked. A familiar head-tilt. “Something like that, yeah.”</p><p>
  <em>Are we this old already? </em>
</p><p>“I had no idea you still came over,” he said, “since your father moved…”</p><p>“I made a stop to visit my mom,” Jyn explained.</p><p>
  <em>Fucking. Idiot. </em>
</p><p>Cassian searched for a cue in her gaze but saw nothing; only that same genuine glow he knew all too well. She squeezed his arm, barely. Signal received. He took another breath. Maybe some things never changed. Not with her.</p><p>Jyn wasn’t just an ex. Jyn was <em>the </em>ex. The one who had ruined that song he liked to listen to. The one who had ruined movies and places and memories that they used to share. The one he could never get over, no matter how much time passes. Jyn had been the one to teach him what love truly meant. She’d been the reason he stopped acting like a boy and became the man he was today.</p><p>She’d been the hardest breakup, too.</p><p>“And then, <em>snow</em>,” she sighed, glossing over his last words like a saint, “so I decided to see if this place was still standing.”</p><p>“Barely,” Cassian smiled.</p><p>She smiled back, a little smudge of black liner at the corners of her eyes. “At least, I don’t need a fake ID anymore.”</p><p>“Don’t you?”</p><p>She snorted, unimpressed, and let go of his arm. “Flattery won’t get you anywhere, Andor. I’m well aware I don’t look nineteen anymore.”</p><p>She didn’t. Not in the way she meant, though.</p><p>Along the years, he’d seen Jyn going through all the phases; from cute to nice-looking to beautiful. Now, she looked fucking breathtaking. He wasn’t wasted enough to let it slip, thankfully, and said instead: “You look amazing.” —which, granted, sounded more appropriate in his mind.</p><p>“Alright, I’ll take it.” A little trace of irony; the same dry humor he remembered. She looked back at the white-beared man and reached for her glass. “Heard that, Morris? I look <em>amazing.</em>”</p><p>The old guy raised his own glass to salute her. “You sure do, sweetie.”</p><p>She winked at him, pleased with her audience. “I taught him how to talk to women, you know.” Yes, she had. “Can I buy you a drink?” she asked Cassian again. “If you need to be somewhere, that’s fine—”</p><p>Cassian already had his ass on the vacant stool, next to her. “I can stay.”</p><p>“Nice.” While he gestured to the bartender for another beer, Jyn’s attention never left him. She rested her chin atop her hand, a friendly expression to mirror her body language. “So, tell me, what’s going on in your life? Did you come home for the holidays or— ?”</p><p>“I came to see the family but technically I don’t have any other address, so I guess I live here?”</p><p>“What?” Jyn asked, confused.</p><p>“I just came back from overseas. Spent a year working on something, moving around a lot. I was in Thailand before that.”</p><p>“Thailand? Wow! Writing something big, Mr. Andor?”</p><p>The immediate excitement sparkling in her eyes turned his stomach over. As an adult, making connections with people seemed over-complicated and fruitless. Doomed from the start. Finding selfless appraisal in someone else near impossible without the backlog of long-shared intimacy. Cassian had stopped trying.</p><p>But with her, the roots ran so deep— she knew exactly what that meant to him.</p><p>“Let’s hope so,” he beamed.</p><p>“You’ve always wanted to do that,” Jyn said. She straightened her back and looked up, a serious frowned between her brows. “<em>I want to be a real journalist, Jyn! Not reporting celebrities’ gossip on Twitter, dammit!</em>” She gave it her best imitation, which made him feel embarrassed and nostalgic all at once.</p><p>“I don’t think we had Twitter back then.”</p><p>She dismissed his protestations with a shake of the head. Mid-length brown hair fell in waves over her shoulders. She pushed it back with one hand, same automatism. “I bet your mother is so proud of you.”</p><p>“She could do without the traveling, but… I guess so. What about you?”</p><p>“I’m proud of you, too.”</p><p>“I meant—” He let out a little breathing laugh. Damn, that woman. “Are you still an EMT?”</p><p>“Paramedic. I work for the fire department, now.”</p><p>“Don’t they have regulations for that?”</p><p>Jyn blinked. He watched her attentively while the joke registered in her mind. She laughed in turn and pushed his shoulder. “You fucking— I’m not <em>that </em>small! And it doesn’t matter anyway!”</p><p>“Doesn’t it?”</p><p>“Shut up. I’ve never heard you complain about that.”</p><p>Hard to argue. Cassian liked his girlfriends shorter than him, sue him. The bartender saved him from that burn with a perfectly timed diversion. He reached back for his wallet but Jyn moved quicker.</p><p>“I said it’s on me,” she insisted, pushing a bill on the bartop.</p><p>“Next one’s for me, then.”</p><p>Jyn sipped on her beer and arched a brow. “Next one, uh? You wanna go to town with me?”</p><p>“You can’t outdrink me, Erso.”</p><p>“Oh, I can,” she said, a blazing gaze crossing her face. “Things change in five years.”</p><p>Cassian opened his mouth, but the reply got delayed. He simply stared at her, dumbstruck, mesmerized. Things changed, yes, but not this. Not that feeling. Never. Two words and a laugh from her and he was done for, like nothing ever happened.</p><p>No matter how many times he roamed around the globe, how many seas he crossed, how many years flew by, he would always want Jyn Erso.</p><p>⁂</p><p>Morris was long gone, as well as much of the Redshift’s clientele. Outside, the empty streets were now covered by a fresh layer of white snow. Cassian hadn’t noticed yet. He couldn’t take his eyes off Jyn long enough to match situational awareness.</p><p>“You’re such a dick,” she laughed, eyes almost closed.</p><p>“All I’m saying—”</p><p>“I don’t care whose idea it was!” Jyn cut. “You made a bet to see who could get me!”</p><p>“No.” He laughed too, hands in front of him. Jyn caught his wrists.</p><p>“<em>Yes—</em>”</p><p>“No! <em>They </em>bet I didn’t have the balls to ask you out. Very different. Get your facts straight, girl.”</p><p>“You’re so full of shit, ah—” She slid from her stool. The weight of her body shifted toward him, still holding on to his wrists. Stance clearly impacted. Cassian put his hands on her arms. Jyn looked at him, lips parted. He wasn’t sure. He couldn’t tell. <em>Fuck. </em></p><p>She stood between his legs and leaned in, oh just so.</p><p>“I’m trashed,” she whispered.</p><p>He swallowed hard. “Me, too.”</p><p>“I’m parked outside.”</p><p>A bright red light flashed inside his mind. “You’re not driving anywhere,” Cassian warned. “Give me your keys.”</p><p>“I don’t want to drive,” Jyn snorted. She surveyed him, looking back and forth between his eyes and his lips. “I want you.”</p><p>The words sent an electric shock through his body. He pulled her closer, moving his hands to her waist. She stood so close that he could smell her sweet perfume over the old, woody background of the place. The situation looked so much like a product of his brain that he gently kneaded his fingers on her sides, making sure she was <em>here</em>.</p><p>“We’re too old to fuck in a car,” he said. (<em>Really, Cassian?!</em>) Jyn touched her face to his neck, a grumpy noise of protest in her throat. He had a hand in her hair before realizing. “Let me call an Uber.”</p><p>Next thing he knew, they were waiting for their ride in an almost-empty parking lot. And despite the freezing night temperatures, Cassian couldn’t feel the cold, his whole body responding to the burning kisses Jyn pressed on his lips, and neck, and damn near anywhere she could reach without undressing him.</p><p>⁂</p><p>Jyn cracked her eyes open and, for confusing moments, thought she'd dreamed the last ten years. Exhibit A: this suspiciously looked like her ex-boyfriend’s bedroom, right before he packed for college. Same movie posters on the walls, same little window peering into the reconverted basement, even the mirror she’d cracked once by slamming the door too hard. And that arm around her waist— yep, definitely belonged to Cassian Andor.</p><p>Jyn’s heart sunk inside her chest. Memories of last night banged against her skull, half-drowned by a killer hangover. She glanced over her shoulder, seeing Cassian’s limbs entangled with hers. Both naked. Incriminating set of evidence.</p><p>They had fucked, hadn’t they?</p><p>
  <em>Oh, no. Shit, shit, shit.</em>
</p><p>Jyn sat up abruptly, breath itching in her dry throat. She winced when her brain tried to leak through her ears and pressed a hand to her forehead. Half-blinking into gloomy daylight, she looked around the messy room. Clothes were scattered all over. As it seemed, they’d been in a hurry. That wasn't encouraging.</p><p>Jyn grabbed his shoulder. “Cassian… Cassian… <em>Cass!</em>” she groaned.</p><p>The man woke up with a tremor, kicking his legs. “What? <em>What</em>?” His arm circled her waist tighter as if an imminent threat waited to jump on them from the nearest closet. When his brain eliminated the nearby fashion menace, he relaxed and searched her face.</p><p>No time to dwell on his sleepy appearance… Jyn sighed, pulling at the sheets to cover her naked chest. “Please, tell me we used protection.”</p><p>“We… uh.” He looked around the tiny bedroom, a crease between his brows, maybe in search of a used condom. She could practically hear the gears running, retracing the events of the night prior. Then, he reached the same dreadful conclusion: “Crap.”</p><p>“Amazing,” Jyn said, feeling all blood leaving her face. “Just what I needed. I’m so fucking stupid, unbelievable.”</p><p>“It’s okay—” she heard him say.</p><p>Jyn rolled her shoulder to get rid of his hand and flashed him a murderous look. “It’s <em>not </em>okay! I’m not collecting fucking child support from you!”</p><p>Already, she was up, gathering her clothes from the floor. She jumped in her underwear, followed by a pair of black jeans.</p><p>“I <em>meant</em>— ” Cassian tried again, sitting up by the bed. “I’ll drive you downtown. You can get the morning-after pill, right? Don’t get all dramatic just yet, we’re <em>nowhere </em>near child support.”</p><p>With her arms halfway through her t-shirt, Jyn paused and spun around. “You’re a dick.”</p><p>He breathed out a sound of indignation, shoulders tensing under the blow. “Wha— why?! I’m trying to help! You’re the one spitting in my face.”</p><p>Jyn’s head emerged from the round collar. She squared her jaw, hair still stuck inside the gray top. She delivered with a flat voice, making sure she had heard that right (<em>the fucking audacity!</em>): “Excuse me?”</p><p>“Oh, come on.”</p><p>It wasn’t the words. It was the hand gesture. So dismissive. So charged. They’d done it a hundred times before. She knew what came after that; she’d already tasted it. How could they run back to the exact same point so quickly, even after five years? A perfect time loop. Jyn tasted ashes in her mouth. Heart aching between her ribs.</p><p>Cassian had that hatefully cold stare when he served her plates of reproaches. No matter the issue, she always ended up being the problem by his standards. Lesson learned. She didn't want <em>any</em> of it.</p><p>“I know you never take anything seriously,” she said, letting resentment pierced through her tone, “but I have an eight-hour drive to go back home and adult shit to do, okay? I don’t have time for a pregnancy scare.”</p><p>“I’m just saying— can you not jump straight to the worst-case scenario for once in your life?”</p><p>Collecting the rest of her belongings in one hand, Jyn slipped her sneakers on with the other. They locked eyes for a few heartbeats. Time seemed to stretch around them. She stood silently in the middle of the storm, wondering how in hell she’d let herself fall for it again? Would she never learn? His handsome face and charming smile would never heal the wounds. She was <em>done</em>.</p><p>Jyn broke off: “Get fucked.” And with that, she stormed off, slamming the door behind her.</p><p>A sound of broken glass followed her through the little staircase.</p><p>⁂</p><p>Cassian pressed his face into his open palms, combatting the urge to scream. He waited five seconds, huffed in frustration, then hopped off the bed and quickly dressed. Dark pants, black hoodie, and a pair of low boots. Slipping his phone in his back pocket, he glanced at the mirror now laying on the ground, a brand new crack in the center. (<em>Jyn fucking Erso.</em>) He took off after her.</p><p>Climbing the stairs two at a time, Cassian erupted in the familial kitchen, only to find a welcome committee already on deck. As if the situation couldn’t get any worse. All that screaming enthusiasm threatened to kill his last brain cells.</p><p>“Jyn! Oh my God!” his little sister kept on chanting, both arms squeezed tight around his ex. “I’m so happy to see you! It’s been so long— <em>Mama</em>!”</p><p>
  <em>Oh, for fuck’s sake, don’t— </em>
</p><p>To her credits, Jyn hugged back the offender and her laugh brightened the whole room. “Look at you!” she said. “You’re so grown-up! Last time I saw you, you were— what, seventeen?”</p><p>Ria squealed again and the two (adult) women wiggled in circles in the middle of the kitchen like toddlers. Defeated, Cassian reached for a cup and poured himself some (very black) coffee. Hopefully, that would deal with his hangover. For the rest, he could only wait for the situation to diffuse itself. If he knew his family at all: not anytime soon.</p><p>“Why on Earth are you screaming? It’s not even ten.” The grumpy voice of his mother preceded her in the room. “What’s the matter with you, children?”</p><p>As soon as she recognized the young woman Ria was strangling to death, his mother joined the welcoming wagon. She stretched her arms so widely that Cassian almost felt insulted he hadn’t got <em>that </em>big of a hug upon returning.</p><p>“<em>¡Te hemos extrañado mucho, cariño!</em>” Cassian sipped his coffee without a word, ignoring the painful jab in his chest. Meanwhile, his mother looked at Jyn up and down, as to decide just how much food she was hoping to force-feed her in the shortest amount of time possible. “You’re so pretty, look at you! So pretty. Right, Cassian?”</p><p>He grunted from behind his cup, trying to blend in with the walls.</p><p>“When did you arrive?” his mother kept on pressing Jyn. “Oh, are you staying for Christmas? Family’s coming for the weekend. Of course, you’re invited!” This time, Cassian decided to lend a helping hand.</p><p>“Can you let her breathe for two minutes? Maybe she’s already got plans of her own,” he said. “We only crossed each other by chance, yesterday.”</p><p>“Yeah,” Jyn smiled (her sad kind of smile—the one that crushed his soul every time), “that’s so nice, really, but I have to be at work on Tuesday. I was only passing by and with the snow yesterday… Cassian let me spend the night.”</p><p>“Still snowing,” Ria pointed out.</p><p>“I think it should be alright,” Jyn said.</p><p>“Oh, at least have lunch with us,” his mother insisted (relentless as she was). She rearranged Jyn’s hair around her face like she was her own goddamn daughter. Cassian had to bite down the inside of his mouth to stay quiet. “You can’t leave on an empty stomach, sweetheart.”</p><p>“And it’s been <em>so </em>long,” his sister said. “I want to know everything!”</p><p>Stranded in the crossfire, Jyn finally stopped avoiding looking at him. She was still furious, for reasons only known to her, but her begging stare made due. Cassian put down his cup and came to the rescue. “Her car is still in town. I have to take a look at her tires. I don’t know how long that’s gonna take so, we’ll text you.”</p><p><em>I’ll text you</em>, Cassian mentally corrected. <em>There’s no ‘we’ anymore. </em></p><p>“Are you not going to offer her some coffee, at least?”</p><p>Cassian sighed, wondering why, suddenly, he was the one reprimanded for being a bad host. This wasn’t even his house! Besides, Jyn was perfectly capable of grabbing herself a coffee if she wanted one.</p><p>“It’s fine,” she smiled again, “I really want to make sure my car is still there.”</p><p>“You two come back for lunch, then. I’ll tell everyone Jyn’s here!”</p><p>Just from the curve of her smile, Cassian could tell she hated the idea. She’d never admit it in front of his mother—she was too polite for that—but he sensed the depths of her despair. He couldn’t blame her. This wasn’t part of the initial plan. Whatever plan it had been… A bad one, judging by the turn of events.</p><p>Stepping outside, the sound of cracking snow followed them to Cassian’s car. A very nice, solid car—might he add—only if screaming post-breakup therapy.</p><p>“You don’t know shit about tires,” Jyn said, closing the passenger door.</p><p>“You’re welcome.”</p><p>She turned her head the other way, looking at the white scenery as they left the Andor’s residence. The asphalt wasn’t cold enough for the snow to stick, creating long streaks of black roads in the neighborhood. Inside the car, Jyn squeezed her hands between her thighs. Such a cold-blooded creature. He refrained from extending an arm to warm her.</p><p>Without warning, she breathed: “I didn’t think they would still love me.”</p><p>Cassian’s fingers curled around the steering wheel. He stayed focused on the road, although no one else was in sight, and his voice dropped down.</p><p>“If you want to know, I’m the one who got blamed for the breakup.”</p><p>“I— Sorry.”</p><p>An awkward silence lingered between them. His brain still hurt, but he couldn’t blame cheap beers anymore. There was no point keeping score. Jyn sounded unhappy enough; it only made the whole situation worse.</p><p>Cassian turned at the next intersection and cleared his throat. “Yeah, so, you’re still the favorite girlfriend. Congrats.”</p><p>A timid laugh erupted next to him. Progress. She shifted on her seat, less guarded, still looking outside but knees pointed towards him. (Translation: ‘I trust you.’) “Did I have a lot of contenders?”</p><p>Cassian checked the rear mirror and let himself reach the next traffic light before opening his mouth again. “Are you asking?”</p><p>“I don’t know,” Jyn said. She turned her face to him. “Maybe.”</p><p><em>Well, fuck. </em>He hadn’t seen that one coming. But he had nothing to hide from her.</p><p>“I slept around. One I actually brought home, like two years ago.”</p><p>“How did it go?” The genuine tone of her voice felt surreal. Cassian moved a hand to his mouth, scratching the regrowth of his beard. <em>How did it go? Funny you’d ask that— </em>A soundless laugh escaped him. Either at the memory itself or its irony.</p><p>“Not bad, until that moment Adelita called her ‘Jyn’.”</p><p>“Oh, shit.”</p><p>Cassian looked at her briefly. She seemed horrified. He shrugged. “It wasn’t meant to be.” ( —<em>you and me, we’re the ones who were meant to be. And look at us, now.</em>)</p><p>For the next ten minutes or so, no one spoke. Only the sound of the moving vehicle and their breathings next to each other. They reached the main part of the city. Municipal workers were busily salting the sidewalks to combat black ice. Cassian followed the main street and took a right turn toward the nearest pharmacy.</p><p>When he finally pulled up in a parking spot, he shot Jyn a playful smile. “Are you going to tell me?”</p><p>“You can choke on it, Andor.”</p><p>“Fine. I don’t care anyway.”</p><p>She snorted, “Sure,” and stepped off the car.</p><p>Cassian hesitated for a moment. He decided to follow her, just in case she wanted him there. Jyn Erso wasn’t one to admit she needed anyone. It had taken him a long time to figure it out, and sometimes, he still got it wrong. When he entered the chain pharmacy and stopped behind her shoulder, she didn’t shoo him away. (He might have got it right, today.)</p><p>“Hi,” Jyn said at the counter, “I’m gonna need the morning-after pill, please.”</p><p>The middle-aged employee (name tag ‘Dave’) manning the desk this morning gave her a solid stare of disapproval before disappearing in the back. Jyn rolled her eyes with a degree of annoyance only she could master. When the man reappeared with the requested item, he said: “Is that everything you need?”</p><p>“Yeah, minus the judgmental look that’d be perfect,” Jyn deadpanned.</p><p>Cassian placed a hand on her back, eating up a mocking laugh. “Can you add a box of condoms with that, please?”</p><p>The offended glare she shot him was almost comical. “Excuse you?”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“<em>What</em>? Are you serious?”</p><p>“I think it’s a good idea,” the CVS employee casually noted, “to avoid this kind of scenario going forward...”</p><p>“Shut up, Dave,” Jyn snapped.</p><p>“It’s a convenient thing to have,” Cassian said. “I’m not suggesting we use it together.”</p><p>“Oh, you’re <em>not</em>?” she said, eyebrows shooting towards her hairline.</p><p>“I mean, we could. If you stay for the weekend.”</p><p>“We’re not having sex ever again.”</p><p>“$51.99, please,” Dave plugged in with a nonchalant voice.</p><p>Cassian ended his debit card over. “No sex, then. But you could stay and leave on Monday.”</p><p>“So we can argue for three more days?” Jyn sneered. “I don’t think so. I’ve got better things to do!” She snatched the little paper bag from the counter and stormed outside. The two men looked at each other in silence. Cassian slid his wallet back in his pocket and readjusted the collar of his winter coat, ready to leave.</p><p>“Believe it or not,” he said over a sad smile, “the love of my life.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Comments make me really happy, don't be shy 🎁❤️</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>But would it be so bad, Jyn?</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you to <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/vintagevulpes">VintageVulpes</a> for doing the beta work ❤️</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jyn’s car was still parked in front of the Redshift. Small mercy. (Even downtown, no one wanted to steal an old trash like this one.) Jyn unclasped her seat belt and avoided looking at Cassian all she could. “Okay, thanks for the ride.” Throat hurting. Uh, shit. Time to go.</p><p>“Stay,” he said. (<em>No, not that voice, please— don’t.) </em>“I get it if you don’t want to see my family. We can have lunch together and—”</p><p>“And <em>what</em>?” Jyn cut. She sighed and brushed a nervous hand into her hair. “What then, Cassian? We go around pretending like nothing happened?”</p><p>“Would it be so bad?”</p><p>She shifted her attention, catching his eyes, so dark and heavy, fixed on her. The worst part of it all: he was dead serious. Always thinking he could wave a magic wand and have it his way. As if it was this simple. As if they just needed to want it enough. But life didn’t work like that; it just <em>didn’t</em>.</p><p>Jyn shook her head, voice cracking. “Stop acting like a fucking kid. We’re over. This is done.”</p><p>He laughed without humor, switching to defense. Matching her tone so effortlessly. “Yeah, that’s why you cried ‘I love you’ in my arms for twenty minutes, last night?”</p><p>Jyn froze, panicked. “What— ?”</p><p>Not giving her any time to make sense of his words, Cassian slammed his palm against the steering wheel and looked the other way. She recognized the warning; she’d pushed too far. “Whatever, Jyn. If you need to convince yourself, that’s fine. But I’m not going to pretend I don’t have those feelings. Sorry for the inconvenience.”</p><p>He spat it out with just enough hurt that she felt like a complete asshole. His favorite move.</p><p>“We tried already.”</p><p>“We did,” Cassian said, now refusing to look at her.</p><p>Jyn pressed her lips in a tight line, a flare of heat creeping down her neck. “I really don’t know what you want me to say.”</p><p>“Nothing, Jyn— say nothing. I forgot you needed to be drunk to let me in. God forbid you show your feelings once in a while.”</p><p>“Yeah, alright, I think we’re done here.” Jyn opened the passenger door with a trembling hand. A rush of cold air brushed over her face, tiny snowflakes landing in her hair. Her eyes burned—but it was all from the cold. “Happy holidays.”</p><p>“You, too,” he said in that deep, dark voice she’d learned to hate. “I sincerely hope you find someone you trust someday.”</p><p>⁂</p><p>“What am I supposed to do?” Jyn whined. She’d been pacing the lawn back and forth for the past twenty minutes. A little trail of muddy snow had formed under her soaked sneakers. Not sure if she could still feel her toes. “Just stay and fuck it up another time? For <em>what</em>? It took us two minutes to start screaming at each other again! This is so stupid. Why would I do that to us?”</p><p>Jyn stretched her arms, looking at the cold gray marble in search of an answer. A fresh layer of snow had started to accumulate on top of the flat tombstone. She brushed it off again before shoving red fingers deep in her pockets. “Frankly, we deserve better than each other. And don’t get me started on last night. That was a severe lapse of judgment on my end.”</p><p>Although, she had to admit… No— No, no. Bad decision making.</p><p>“Look,” Jyn groaned, facing the quiet resting place of ‘<em>Lyra Erso, beloved wife and mother</em>’, “I know what you’re thinking, but even <em>if </em>I still loved him—and I’m not saying I <em>do, </em>okay—it wouldn’t work. We don’t want the same thing. I have my own life. I’ve been doing great without him.”</p><p>Maybe. Kinda. <em>Almost</em>.</p><p>“And it’s not about trust, okay?” Jyn sighed again, exasperated by the accusation. “I <em>know </em>how to trust people! Well, for one, I certainly wouldn’t have let him fuck me into comatose if I didn’t trust him!”</p><p>A little gasping sound popped in the air. Jyn turned around, belatedly taking notice of the old lady standing stock-still in the middle of the alley. She clutched her bouquet of yellow chrysanthemums against her snow-prickled coat like a crucifix.</p><p>“Rough night,” Jyn nodded, watching the woman striding away as fast as she could.</p><p>Jyn waited until she was clear of eavesdropping before she resumed her conversation. “And if I really said that to him last night… I mean, I hope you were looking the other way because… yeah. But that’s so fucked up.”</p><p>Standing under the soft white rain, Jyn started to lose her fingers, too.</p><p>“He looked so sad,” she mumbled, a painful weight on her chest, “him and his stupid face. Why is he not even getting old and ugly? Ugh— Mama, what do I do?”</p><p>⁂</p><p>The weather had gone from bad to worse in the span of a few hours, coating the whole neighborhood with a thick layer of snow. Lucky that Cassian didn’t have any place to go, and definitely no anxiety thinking about <em>anyone </em>making a road trip across cities in this soup. What about tires, though? Did she check—</p><p>“Mommy says it makes you stupid when you smoke.”</p><p>What a punching opener. Cassian looked down to find the source of that tiny voice. Half-eaten away by a long red scarf, the four-year-old stared back, standing at ground level with a handful of snow between his knitted mittens. Milo’s big brown eyes curiously surveying his older cousin, clearly waiting for a reaction.</p><p>Cassian smirked, breathing out a puff of white smoke in the cold winter air. “Your mom is right,” he said. (<em>And rude.</em>) “I’m very stupid sometimes.”</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>Cassian laughed, bitter, and leaned against the wooden balustrade. He brought the cigarette to his lips again, his gaze pensively scanning the white backyard where Milo’s older sister was playing. <em>Because I love a woman who doesn’t want to be loved? Because I can’t keep her? Because I can’t turn the page?</em></p><p>“What are you guys doing?” Cassian asked, hoping to derail the investigation.</p><p>“Uh, making snowballs.”</p><p>The little guy showed Cassian the worst snowball he’d ever seen (more a lump than a ball), as to say: <em>obviously, you stupid old man. </em></p><p>“Can I play, too?”</p><p>Milo nodded. Cassian flashed a more earnest smile and crushed the rest of his cigarette inside the empty glass that wasn’t supposed to be an ashtray, but somehow had been abandoned to its fate over the years. In the distance, sounds of tires on the gravel announced another car pulling in front of the house. Either one of Cassian’s still-missing cousins; unless his aunt had decided to come in early. (More reasons to hide in the backyard with the kids.) “Alright, I’ll get my gloves. Wait for me.”</p><p>Coming through the fire-heated living room (leaving melting footprints behind, don’t tell his mother), Cassian walked to the foyer for his coat. There, his heart jumped into his throat.</p><p>“I hope it’s no trouble,” said an all-too-familiar voice. “If there’s just a bit of couch left for me…”</p><p>“Don’t be silly,” his mother said. “We’ll put Felix on the couch and the twins in the playroom, so Cassian keeps his room. See? <em>Es pan comido.</em>”</p><p>—which, yes, amazing plan, but more importantly: “Jyn.”</p><p>She stood in the entrance, wet hair sticking to her pale face, her green parka drenched from melted snow, a small travel bag hanging over her shoulder. Cassian almost expected her to turn and run away as soon as he said her name. She didn’t. She looked at him like a scolded child, hesitant, so fearful of what would come next.</p><p>A part of him (admittedly not the better one) wanted to give her a taste of her own medicine, be an asshole and see how she liked it when he stomped on her heart. A game of fools. Which one would do more damages. Hadn’t they, already?</p><p>Putting aside his childish ego, Cassian surrendered to the fragile hope still burning inside him. He didn't know why she'd changed her mind but he imagined what it cost her to walk back through that door. (Stubbornness was a defining feature of Jyn Erso.) Even lacking the bigger picture, Cassian couldn’t risk her decision being lost between statics.</p><p>He walked up to her and grabbed her bag. “Welcome back.”</p><p>“Thanks,” she barely breathed, searching his eyes.</p><p>“You should take a hot shower,” his mother (strategically— <em>de verdad, madre, la quieres tanto aquí parece que eres la enamorada de ella</em>) hurried them away from the door, “and you settle down. Cassian— Ay no, you both take your dirty shoes off my floor or I’ll make you clean it!”</p><p>Cassian seized the opportunity to deflate some of the tension sizzling between them. He put his arms around Jyn’s waist and picked her up. “She’s off the floor,” he called over his shoulder, slowly and awkwardly walking to the other end of the corridor. Jyn quietly laughed, holding on to him for dear life, her freezing, damp cheek against his neck. (How fucking nice it felt.)</p><p>Behind them, his mother sighed: “<em>Tú también, idiota.</em>”</p><p>Cassian made a turn for the first-floor bathroom where he put down Jyn's bag and let her back on her feet. He loosened his arms but didn’t remove them, standing in her personal space. No complaint to report. “Did you take a nap in the snow?”</p><p>Jyn scrunched her nose. Her cold hands sent shivers over his skin, where she clutched to his sweatshirt. He covered them with his own.</p><p>“Did you smoke?” Jyn suspiciously asked.</p><p>“You’re too late for the arrest, Milo’s already busted me.”</p><p>“Who’s Milo?”</p><p>“Evelyn and Adrian’s son. Cute little nugget. They've got two more kids since the last time you saw them.”</p><p>An unhappy noise caught in her throat.</p><p>“Hey,” Cassian said softly, lowering his face to her.</p><p>“I don’t know why I came back,” Jyn confessed. “And your mother… everyone… they’re gonna think we’re back together and I’m just… fucking it up for you again. Cass— I’m so sorry. I don’t know what I’m doing.”</p><p>She tugged at his sweatshirt. Cassian cupped her face between his hands, forcing her to look him in the eyes. (Oh, that look <em>hurt</em>.)</p><p>
  <em>Say something clever for once. </em>
</p><p>“Do you want to be here?” he asked, voice like gravel.</p><p>She exhaled. “Yes.”</p><p>Relief flooded him. Alright. He could work with that.</p><p>“That’s all you need to know. The rest, we can figure out later.” And even though he didn’t have it in him to be pushed away one more time, he had to try. He was stupid like that (for her. Only for her.) Cassian left a kiss on her forehead, hopefully sending the right signals. “Take a shower. I feel like I’m holding an ice pack.”</p><p>When he made a move to leave, Jyn pulled him closer. She buried herself into his embrace, arms wrapped around his waist. He rested his chin on top of her head and hugged her in silence. Nothing ever felt as good as that.</p><p>⁂</p><p>Jyn emerged from the bathroom looking like a decent human again. She’d put on a black pullover, a dry pair of jeans, and braided her hair to the side. She even had taken the time to apply light makeup because a) Christmas spirit, b) she wanted to look like she had her shit together, c) Cassian. (Only one of those was true but, for the life of her, she couldn’t pick which one.)</p><p>Meanwhile, the entire house smelled like a premium cooking class. She knew the table would look amazing, as always.</p><p>Jyn remembered what the holidays felt like in the Andor household; or any type of celebration for that matter. Bright, warm, cheerful. Something that, growing up with a (very busy) single parent, she never experienced before dating Cassian. Not many people could understand that type of emptiness. They took their support system for granted, but for someone like her… it meant more than she could express with words. Jyn always marveled at this alien dynamic, watching them interact with each other, equally envious and enwrapped.</p><p>Cassian’s mother, specifically, went above and beyond to make sure Jyn felt at home. She didn’t have to, but Gabriela always treated Jyn like one of her children. She'd been a blessing at a time Jyn’s relationship with her father only kept on getting harder. In the end, it only made the breakup all the more painful.</p><p>Being back after so many years seemed like a fever dream.</p><p>Jyn walked into the kitchen, a knot in the pit of her stomach. “What can I do?”</p><p>Gabriela looked over her shoulder and smiled, hands white from powdered sugar. “Oh, not much. I'm just getting a headstart for tomorrow but most of it is taken care of. My brother is in charge of the cake and Madga is bringing sides.” She used her shoulder to brush off a wild strand of hair. “Everyone is in the living room, go with them.”</p><p>Knowing full well there was no use putting it off, Jyn wondered if she was ready for ‘everyone’.</p><p>“If you need any help,” she insisted, “please tell me.” Although she wasn’t a great cook, she could follow instructions as well as anyone.</p><p>“Thank you, sweetheart.”</p><p>Rather than leaving the woman in peace, Jyn came a little closer. Her fingers nervously fidgeted with her collar. “Gabby, I just want to say…” But the rest didn’t come out, leaving Jyn feeling awfully inadequate. A constant in her life.</p><p>Cassian’s mother wiped her palms clean on her apron, abandoning the little white balls of dough on the cooking tray. “Don't worry about it,” she said in her serious motherly tone. “What happened between you and my son, it's your business. I'm happy you're here. And I know he's happy, too.”</p><p>Jyn had to blink a few times to keep her eyes from watering. “I want him to be. Truly.”</p><p>Gabriela nodded. She leaned against the marble countertop and touched Jyn’s elbow. “I just hope you can resolve whatever has been going on between you. We sometimes change for the better when we get older… It would be nice to see you together again. Or maybe you could just be friends.”</p><p>Jyn couldn’t decide if she was amused or feeling sorry for herself. A mixed smile probably betrayed her. “I don’t think I could ever be ‘just friends’ with him.”</p><p>Gabriela laughed, looking at Jyn with evident pride. “I made him very handsome, haven't I?”</p><p>“That's for sure… It's kinda unfair, honestly. I really love his hair.”</p><p>The comment seemed to amuse Cassian’s mother. She pointed at her black curly hair, barely pinned in orderly conduct at the back of her head. “He got that from his father, clearly. Both he and his sister.”</p><p>“But he got the cute dimples from you,” Jyn smiled.</p><p>Someone walked into the kitchen and interrupted the conversation. Evelyn (one of Cassian’s cousins) spotted Jyn and a surprised expression briefly crossed her overall-unimpressed face. “Hey, I didn’t know you'd be here!”</p><p>Jyn shrugged an apology. “I didn't know either.”</p><p>Rather than dwelling on the situation, Evelyn simply refocused her attention on the little human she carried in her arms. “Well, that's life, right?” she said, pragmatic as ever. “I'd give you a hug but I’m covered in baby’s puke.”</p><p>“Not that I really mind at this point,” Jyn joked, “I’m covered in all sorts of body fluids on the daily.” But catching a blank stare from her audience, she made sure to clarify: “In my job, as a paramedic—”</p><p>It all clicked back into Evelyn’s mind. “Yes! Right. This is baby Aiza. Say hello to Jyn, honey.” The woman waved Aiza’s little chubby hand in the air. “Hey, you want to hold her? There’s nothing left to puke.”</p><p>“Sounds like a lie,” Gabriela laughed, returning to her snowball cookies duty.</p><p>“I mean, yes,” Jyn said, “I’d love to.”</p><p>Already, Evelyn was passing the baby into Jyn’s arms. They looked at each other; Aiza with a curious stare for that new person she’d never seen before, and Jyn with a soft grin on her face.</p><p>“Fantastic,” Evelyn said. “Mommy is free, bless you. I'm gonna go get changed and maybe slip into a coma. Give her to her dad when you're tired of her.”</p><p>Still mesmerized by Aiza’s big, beautiful dark eyes, Jyn grabbed the little hand the baby held up to her. “How can someone get tired of you, uh?” Aiza squeezed Jyn’s fingers before grabbing a handful of hair. Luckily, the braid made it painless. Quickly losing interest in it, Aiza turned her head and pointed her hand away, breathing a little sound for Jyn to understand. “You want to go over there? Okay, let's go.”</p><p>Praying that it didn’t send weird messages to Cassian. (With whom she <em>didn’t </em>want to have a baby… or two. With cute dimples and nice hair.)</p><p>
  <em>Ridiculous, Erso. Get it together.</em>
</p><p>Still, it was nice to dream of her perfect life sometimes. And in her perfect life, they were always together.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This is getting way longer than I planned, but I hope you are still having a good time!! 💖</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Instant noodles five times a week.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>If someone had told him, two days ago, what the holidays would look like this year, Cassian might have laughed. Seeing his ex walking around with a baby in her arms was as wild as anything he could have guessed.</p><p>Jyn had always been a natural with kids, no surprise there. Back to their last Christmas together, Iris had followed her around all day long and insisted on sitting on her lap at the diner table (which sent Cassian’s aunt into a long discourse about education). Today, Iris’ youngest sibling looked equally interested in her new acquaintance—a family feature, apparently.</p><p>Little Aiza clutched to Jyn’s knitted pullover, head on her shoulder. With soft baby hair barely a shade darker than Jyn’s, they looked quite the pair. (Not like Cassian had wondered what the result of he and Jyn mixing their DNA would be. Looking at her graceful, timeless beauty, he’d bet that kid would steal some hearts around town.)</p><p>“Oh, is that yours?” Jyn asked the baby, following the extended hand Aiza pointed at a lonely plush toy abandoned on the couch. Jyn went to sit on it, facing Cassian and Adrian who—deployed on the ground—tried to do a better job than Milo at building that cursed Lego set.</p><p>Jyn grabbed the little white bear and presented it to the baby. Aiza closed her tiny fist around a leg, pulling it to her with surprising strength. (Cassian considered himself lucky that his hair was too short to fall prey to that iron grasp.) The next second, she changed her mind and sent off the plushy to its irreverent death, tumbling on the ground.</p><p>“We don’t like polar bears anymore?” Jyn mocked, a familiar tinge of cynicism in her voice. “Good thing we readied climate change for you, you won’t see many.”</p><p>Cassian ate up a dark laugh, returning his attention to two identical round pieces he had in hand, desperate to figure out the next stage of their engineering project. Peaking at the notice <em>again</em> would be too great of a price to pay for his wounded ego. Non-content to endure Adrian’s remarks, he was certain that Jyn wouldn’t miss the opportunity to chime in with a snarky comment herself. Hearing her laugh, on the other hand…</p><p>Cassian reconsidered.</p><p>“Are you done now?” Milo asked (for the hundredth time), bouncing between Cassian’s legs every five seconds.</p><p>“Does it look like we’re done, buddy?” his father replied, waving at the carnage of little pieces scattered on the dark-colored carpet.</p><p>“You’re too slow,” the little shit pouted.</p><p>Cassian growled his indignation. No effect to report on Milo. He sat back on Cassian’s thigh, falling against his chest so hard that he knocked some air out of the man’s lungs. From her vantage point, Jyn didn’t miss a second of it. When he looked up again, Cassian caught the half-grin accentuating her smile lines.</p><p>Her eyes locked with him, warm and pleasant and <em>peaceful</em>. She’d gained back some colors on her cheeks from her shower, red lipstick now tracing her full lips to match the pink glow of her skin. He could have drowned himself in her longing stare without trying.</p><p>Surfacing short of warning, a sharp pain pull at the seams of his drained heart.</p><p>Cassian had spent the last few years chasing his life on a blinding rush of adrenaline, foreign hotel rooms, and delayed flights. So enthralled with the state of the world that he’d pushed away his own state of being. When was the last time he’d let someone close enough to see? Hypocritical of him. His eternal point of contention with Jyn was nothing but an offense he’d gotten accustomed to. A cheap defense. Now, he understood so much more of her.</p><p>He understood the need for someone to be <em>there</em>, no matter how hard he tried not to need it. Right now, she made it all so much better just by existing next to him.</p><p>Jyn would understand so many of his aches, he had no doubt about it. The dread in his bones, the ravaging scenes of violence that he couldn’t forget, the many things he’d witnessed that couldn’t be brought up at the diner table. Reserved for words on glossy pages and the half-repressed nightmares that sometimes woke him up in the dark. He wondered if talking to her would have pacified his mind.</p><p>
  <em>Selfish bastard. </em>
</p><p>This, too, was a familiar offense.</p><p>“You’re done now?”</p><p>Cassian sighed. He opened his palms, presenting the gray and white pieces of a tiny spaceship barely assembled, ready for judgment. Milo pushed himself upright, fed up with all that waiting, and rushed to Jyn instead. He caught himself on her knees and focused a second on his baby sister before shyly whispering: “What’s your name?”</p><p>“Jyn,” she whispered back.</p><p>A moment of silence, while Milo prepared his next brilliant comment. “That’s a ‘J’,” he said, gracefully helping her to spell her own name. (Although, he would probably fail to have it entirely right.)</p><p>“Yeah, I know,” Jyn laughed.</p><p>Cassian did not, sensing a clear line of thought ready to erupt in the open. Milo and his deep investment in the alphabet pursued: “Cassian has a ‘J’ on his arm. You want to see?”</p><p>The pair of them glanced at each other as if looks could speak. Cassian with the shadow of an excuse in his grimacing smile, Jyn with an unreadable expression keeping her face blank. Whatever she was concealing from him, or his family, it wasn’t surprise. Jyn knew full well that he had her initial tattooed on the inside of his upper arm. She’d been with him when he got it.</p><p>One of those instances where people warning you from getting your partner’s name tattooed had a point. Still, he never thought of getting it covered or removed.</p><p>“Don’t worry,” Adrian said flatly, “she’s already seen. She’s known Cassian for way longer than you.”</p><p>“Oh,” Milo said, rocking on his heels. “Do you want to play hide-and-seek with me and Iris?”</p><p>“Come on,” his father interrupted again, “you can play by yourself for a little while.”</p><p>“Maybe later,” Jyn said to soften the blow.</p><p>Milo sighed, defeated, and went back to sit on Cassian’s lap.</p><p>“What’s with you and my kids?” Adrian asked, “You’re attracting them like a magnet. Ah, I give up— let me see that picture again.” Snatching the notice from the ground, the man ran a hand through his disheveled blond hair, impatience rising. “I thought this was supposed to be for <em>kids.</em>”</p><p>“Maybe you’re just both stupid,” Ria snapped from the nearby armchair. Her legs dangling over the side and fuzzy socks on her feets, she momentarily raised her eyes from her smartphone. She flashed a taunting smile to Adrian and Cassian.</p><p>“Maybe you could stop texting your girlfriend and come help us,” the man replied, unamused.</p><p>“Hmm, I could but the thing is: I don’t want to.”</p><p>Knowing better than to argue with his sister, Cassian reared back a little, the heavy woodwork coffee table in his back to support his weight. The left side of his body was baked from the fireplace’s pulsating warmth and he considered stripping down to his t-shirt. Or maybe switching spots.</p><p>There was a very tempting one right next to Jyn. Cassian wanted to close his arms around her small frame and watch the fire burn down. He wanted to run his fingers on the side of her neck, where the soft skin disappeared under her clothes. He wanted to feel her laugh through his chest while she played with Aiza.</p><p>The baby moved around, kicking her legs with moderate control, in order to face the rest of the party. She sat back against Jyn, very much like Milo on Cassian. Her curious eyes surveyed the scene but soon returned to Jyn, neck bent in what looked like a very uncomfortable position. Aiza didn’t seem to mind, tentatively reaching for the end of Jyn’s braid while she sucked on her left fingers.</p><p>“So, when are you guys having kids?” Adrian asked Jyn.</p><p>The question took Cassian by surprise. He didn’t know what he expected from the situation, but clearly: not this. Luckily, he could always count on his sister to be the loudest Andor sibling.</p><p>“Oh my God,” Ria jumped in, “that’s so rude!”</p><p>“What, <em>why</em>?” the poor man gasped.</p><p>“Maybe they don’t want kids. Not everyone is desperate to reproduce.”</p><p>“Okay, I’m simply asking—”</p><p>“Maybe they don’t feel like talking about it.”</p><p>“In that case, they can just… say that.”</p><p>Already, Cassian’s sister was straightening in her seat, which meant: business. She put down her phone and glared at Adrian with the exact same expression his mother used when Cassian did something stupid. “But you just assumed straight up, so if they say no, there must be something wrong with them, right? Because women have to be mothers, right? By the way, why is no one asking <em>me</em>?”</p><p>Forgetting all about the Lego set, Adrian frowned, probably more serious than this conversation required. To his defense, it was easy to get fooled by Ria’s tone. “Don’t drag me into your political BS, it’s too early and I’m sober.”</p><p>“I’m trying to make you a better person, Mr. I’m-Not-Bothered. So you just eat it and say thank you.”</p><p>Adrian rolled his eyes. “Right, so we don’t ask personal questions anymore, got it.”</p><p><em>Bad </em>answer. Cassian and Jyn shared a knowing look. (The fact that they still got each other, after all this time, without a single word… made his chest feel too tight to encapsulate his conflicting emotions.)</p><p>“I don’t know how to say that to you,” Ria deadpanned, “but there’s more to Jyn than just the lease of her uterus.”</p><p>“Ria, for fuck’s sake!” (“<em>No swearing</em>,” Cassian hushed, placing both hands over Milo’s ears.) “That’s not— totally <em>not </em>what I meant— She just looks cute with that baby!”</p><p>“That’s fine,” Jyn chuckled, finally coming to the rescue. “I want to, but right now, it’s— hmm… nope.”</p><p>For some reason, that answer earned Cassian a questioning stare from the audience. “Don't look at me,” he said, checking in with Jyn, “we’re not together.”</p><p>“You’re not?” Adrian echoed, visibly taken aback.</p><p>Alright. Maybe Cassian should have cleared that, to begin with.</p><p>“No. We just saw each other yesterday and I guess we’re just too stupid to let go, so here we are. Trying to figure things out with nosy people around.”</p><p>The dead silence following his declaration seemed a little concerning. From all his family’s members, Adrian was certainly not the one Cassian worried about, but he was fully prepared to put the man back in his place if he made any unpleasant or inappropriate comments to Jyn. This mess of theirs was no one else’s business.</p><p>“That’s very meta,” Adrian finally said.</p><p>“More like bad timing,” Jyn casually replied. “Sorry for crashing the holidays, guys. But we almost made a baby by accident, so hey, you were on the right track.”</p><p>Cassian couldn’t suppress a breathy laugh that transformed into a fake cough, clearing his throat. Adrian shook his head and surrendered.</p><p>“Okay, you know what, I’m not asking <em>anything</em> anymore.”</p><p>“You don’t know how to make a baby?” Milo suddenly asked, picking up half the conversation. “I can tell you!”</p><p>Cassian looked down, the corner of his mouth moving upward to paint a soft grin on his face. “I’d be really curious to hear that.”</p><p>“No, buddy, we’re fine.”</p><p>They all burst into laughter, except Adrian maybe, who seemed bent on controlling the information coming out of his son's mouth. In the middle of the commotion, Cassian’s mother appeared in the living room, demanding that he made a trip to the backyard to retrieve more logs for the chimney. Quickly catching up on the general hilarity, Gabriela stopped and asked: “What?”</p><p>Always first in line to provide necessary details, Milo naturally explained: “Cassian doesn’t know how to make a baby.”</p><p>From the corner of his eyes, Cassian noticed Jyn biting her lip to stop herself from giggling. She was never more adorable. The sudden urge to move and kiss her conjured a pleasant wave of desire under his skin, rolling through all his extremities. Enraptured by his inner thoughts, Cassian almost missed her mother when she let out a loud, desperate sigh and said: “I don’t even want to know what you’re telling that poor child. Cassian, go get my wood. Now.”</p><p>⁂</p><p>Cassian and Jyn stayed up way past everybody else that evening. They talked for hours, mostly about their work: Jyn's best and worst interventions, the craziest things she'd seen, the babies she'd delivered, Cassian's endless tales of travels and oceans, the modern days of piracy, the damages of greed and capitalism, that time he fell off a fishing boat during a bad storm and almost drown. They shared pictures and anecdotes, they shared another bottle of wine, they shared the couch and the crackling fireplace.</p><p>Soon, they shared each other's arms.</p><p>Jyn leaned against his chest, head on his shoulder, looking at the dancing flames that kept part of the living room illuminated through the night. “I'm sorry about this morning,” she said. “I was a bitch.”</p><p>Arms gently curled around her, Cassian tilted his head until his nose touched her silky hair. She smelled like cherry. His brain focused on that thought for far too long. He hugged her tighter, unable to tame down that greedy, desperate, hopeful part of him. “I probably said the wrong things.”</p><p>How easily, with such few words, they could even it all out.</p><p>Jyn reached for his hand and silently played with his fingers, following the creases and marks on his skin. The light caress brought him some peace of mind. Behind them, the blinking lights on the Christmas made it seem like the rest of the world had disappeared. Only this moment persisted, the two of them, reunited after so long… and still bringing him such a sense of belonging.</p><p>“I miss you, Cassian.” Her voice stayed soft, her touch gentle.</p><p>“I miss you, too,” he said. <em>I miss you so damn much.</em> She held the arm he had wrapped around her. He kissed the crown of her head, wanting to kiss every part of her forever, and smirked. “It's going to sound insane, but sometimes I really miss arguing with you.”</p><p>She laughed with a slight trace of irony (satisfaction, maybe, at his confession). “You're crazy.”</p><p>“I know,” he whispered. <em>But it’s true. I need someone to fight on my level. I need you.</em></p><p>Jyn rotated towards him, her legs folded on the side to fit on the couch. He grabbed her knees and moved her legs across his lap, so he could have her closer, her body pressed against him. And still, it seemed they remained too far apart.</p><p>“I wanted to trust you,” Jyn said, and the edge in her voice made his heart beat harder. “I tried my best.”</p><p>“I know you did.” Cassian gently put a hand behind her neck. He stroked his thumb across her warm skin, encouraging, while letting her open up. Despite his apparent calm, she might be able to tell, looking in his eyes, the agitation now boiling inside his brain.</p><p>“I’m sorry I pushed you away. I didn’t want to.”</p><p>They suffered so many unspoken issues throughout their time together, and even after their relationship ended, that putting words on it… hearing it from her, at last… felt like a giant step. The first one in the right direction, perhaps. Cassian wondered if it came with too high of a price.</p><p>“I’m sorry I made you feel like you had to,” he said. And it broke his heart.</p><p>Jyn frowned deeply, a battle between distress and self-deprecation shining through her eyes. “It’s on me, I was fucked up to being with.”</p><p>It hit so much harder than any fight they ever had, forcing him to face the biggest mistake he ever made. Cassian shook his head, fingers wound into her hair at the back of her neck.</p><p>“No, I should have proved to you that you could rely on me. Instead, I just got mad each time and made it worse.”</p><p>She knew better than to deny the truth, and for that he was grateful. She didn't avoid his gaze while searching for her words, pain plastered all over her face. Her lips parted slowly, letting out a silent breath, gathering her courage to finally bare the deepest wounds. Cassian braced himself.</p><p>“When you told me you wanted to leave…” Jyn said, “I felt so betrayed. I thought our relationship meant nothing to you if you could just pack and leave me behind so easily… I felt like I was replaceable.”</p><p>Cassian had to swallow past the burning lump in his throat.</p><p>“You weren’t. Never.” And he wished she would’ve known, but how could he blame her for never saying the words? They had very different experiences growing up. They came with different baggage. He was just too dumb to connect the dots, back then. “I thought you would always be there for me to come back. I didn’t realize what it meant to you… I guess I’m a selfish asshole.”</p><p>She weakly smiled. “Both of us. I so badly wanted you to stay. To choose me. I should’ve supported you instead of being a shitty partner.”</p><p>Upon seeing the glimmer in her eyes, eclipsing that warm glow he so loved to see, Cassian only felt guilt eating him alive. “I know how bad I hurt you, Jyn. I just wish I knew <em>then</em>, so I could’ve understood why you shut me off. Maybe if I’d told you… how much you meant to me… Do you think we’d still be together?”</p><p>She turned her attention to the fireplace again. He kept playing with her hair, each of his touches betraying his thoughts.</p><p>“I don’t know,” she said, almost distant. “I had a lot of growing up to do… to understand myself and the reasons I acted the way I did.”</p><p>Sitting here with Jyn in his arms, it was easy to forget that ten years had passed since their first kiss. Truth was: they started dating when Jyn was only nineteen and he couldn’t expect her to have everything figured out at such a young age. But, in his arrogance—or perhaps foolishness, he certainly did.</p><p>“What about now?” Cassian asked.</p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>He took a difficult breath, unable to tear his gaze away from her lips.</p><p>“If I tell you… how much you still mean to me, are you able to trust me, now?”</p><p>Her eyes opened a little wider. She pressed a hand on his chest and leaned over. “I’m always gonna be in love with you, Cassian.” From her tone alone, bracing himself for the inevitable ‘but’— “But we don’t want the same life.”</p><p>“What do you want?” No question in the Universe seemed more important than this one. If there was ever a time to figure out that great mystery of Jyn Erso, it was tonight. A mocking smile stretched her lips, a little higher on the right corner. Cassian stopped breathing, waiting to know what it would take to get her back.</p><p>“I want a house, and a baby, and a stupid dog,” she said. “You want your job and chasing war stories around the world.”</p><p>“Jyn—”</p><p>She cut him off by placing her fingers over his lips, stopping his thoughts half-formed. “No, don’t feel bad. I’m proud of you, I’m proud of what you’re doing. We need people like you going after the truth. It’s your dream, you’ve earned it. Mine is smaller and less entertaining, but it’s what I want.” She traced the side of his face, looking down to his lips, too, and whispered: “We both deserve to be happy.”</p><p>
  <em>I don’t know if I can be happy without you. </em>
</p><p>But she deserved it, more than anyone he knew, so he only said: “We do.”</p><p>“So we just have to find someone else to love, right?”</p><p>Her trembling smile didn’t hold very long. Cassian had no answer to offer. None that would help. “We don’t have to find anything tonight,” he simply said.</p><p>Jyn sighed behind her hands. When she reappeared, she slouched against him and put both arms around his neck, more tender. He held her without a word, mirroring her quiet longing, the sweet scent of her perfume so close to him. “I don’t like being an adult,” she muttered.</p><p>Cassian closed his eyes, melting under the warmth of her familiar body. “It sucks, isn’t it?”</p><p>“I want to go back to that shitty room you rented after college. Remember the first few months?”</p><p>He snorted, the memories vividly alive in his mind. “When we only had a mattress on the floor and instant noodles five times a week? <em>That’s </em>what you miss?”</p><p>“I miss sleeping in your arms every night,” Jyn said. Her hands now playing with his hair, a shiver of content ran down his spine. “That’s the first time I felt at home since my mother passed away.”</p><p>Cassian’s eyes flung wide open. He tried to glance at her but she stood too close, her hot breath fluttering against the side of his face. Cassian deepened his embrace, feeling the soft fabric of her pullover under his hands. The muscles of her back relaxed under the touch, pressing her curves against his chest.</p><p>“You never told me this.”</p><p>“I was scared to show you the messy parts of me,” she said. “I wanted to fit in with you so badly… in your perfect life, your perfect family…”</p><p>“My life’s not perfect.” He could swear she rolled her eyes at him. In an effort to convince her, he reared back just enough to catch her eyes. “You don’t need to be perfect to be loved, Jyn.”</p><p>She exhaled with a sad little noise. “Let’s go to bed,” she said, and he knew he would have to drill that into her stubborn brain way harder. Tomorrow.</p><p>For now, he said: “I’ll put the mattress on the floor if you want.”</p><p>At last, Jyn gave him another smile.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you for reading another chapter, leave me a comment? ❤️ (I promise they will stop staring at each other's lips and actually kiss in the next chapter lol)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Interlude</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>They stumbled down the stairs, pressed against each other to fit through the narrow space, unwilling to restore distance, burrowing under each other’s skin.</p><p>A few steps later, Jyn’s back hit a solid obstacle. A diluted, warm feeling inside her chest made her giggle.</p><p>Her hands, holding tight on his coat, pulled Cassian down to her lips. He kissed her back without wasting a breath, his hands around her neck, tangled in her hair, down her throat. Everywhere at once. He tasted of alcohol and salt. His heavy, hot breath hitched against her skin. So familiar. Jyn bit his lower lip and heard a soft groan coming from him.</p><p>Disconnected from her brain by a million light-years, Jyn arched her back from the door and closed her arms around his shoulders. More kisses fell to her neckline. One of Cassian’s hands snaked behind her to support her back, bringing her closer by the waist. Molding her against him. The other fumbled for the door and, finally, he walked her into his old bedroom.</p><p>In near pitch-black obscurity, Jyn followed his lead until her calves hit a bedframe. She nearly lost her balance, busy as she was tearing that stupid coat off him.</p><p>She had to pause, then, while he returned the favor. Jyn threw her scarf somewhere on the ground and reached for the hem of her sweatshirt, swiftly pulling it over her head. Clothes. All so many clothes. Fewer clothes by the second. Shoes were the worst. Jyn accidentally bumped her forehead against his as she bent down to get rid of her socks.</p><p>They both groaned and caught each other’s arms. Cassian’s warm laugh brushed her cheek and her stomach fluttered. She kissed his jawline all the way to his ear, thrilled by the permission to explore his skin as she pleased. He wrapped his arms around her again and lowered her down on the bed. The sheets smelled like him. Jyn’s head spun, spiraling into an alternate reality.</p><p>She reared back until she could comfortably extend her legs and trapped Cassian in between. Not that he made any attempt to escape. There, they moved into each other’s space, kissing and caressing and hugging. She didn’t want to think about it, but she could almost taste desperation on her tongue.</p><p>Maybe, if they hurried up—restored things as they should have been, erased those wasted years—</p><p>Maybe they could fix it. Fix everything.</p><p>Jyn rolled on her side, one leg coming over his hip. He guided her with his hands firmly pressed on her ass and she moaned against his neck. For some reason, Jyn realized that no one had thought of unclasping her bra. One strap annoyingly dangled over her arm but she was too focused on what was happening lower to remediate the situation.</p><p>Cassian dragged one hand between them, squeezing the inside of her thigh. He then pressed his fingers over the soaked fabric of her underwear and rubbed her gently. Jyn’s nerves were on fire, short-circuited by alcohol and the musky scent of his skin. Her hips jerked up toward him, urging him on. She needed much more than this.</p><p>Her fingernails traced the muscles of his back, feeling him flexing and shivering under the touch. She nibbled at a spot between his neck and shoulder. His moan morphed into a low groan and his mouth returned to her throat, lavishing.</p><p>Jyn slipped her hands under the waistband of his boxer and palmed his ass. Then dragged it down, trying to get past his hips. His body was fuller than she remembered, more fleshed, more muscular. His arms and tights took more space, but his hips just as narrow. Her arms were too short to reach much lower, so she used a foot. That seemed to startle him. Cassian paused, looking at her with a humorous expression that reached his eyes.</p><p>“What?” Jyn whispered.</p><p>“Who uses their foot?” he smirked.</p><p>“You only watch vanilla porn, don't you?”</p><p>Before he could think of an answer, Jyn slid her hands over his hips, coming to the front to touch him. Her fingers gently closed around his erection, feeling him hard and warm, thick into her grasp.</p><p>He muffled his voice into her neck, biting her skin lovingly. Jyn whimpered against him, running her thumb over a sensitive spot. He felt slick in her palm, shivering from pleasure and jerking his hips to follow her.</p><p>Cassian's lips went back to her ear, then to her face, kissing her like a drowning man. Their arms got tangled between them, awkwardly fighting each other, as he kept on stroking her, too. His hand dipped inside her underwear at a weird angle, looking for her skin. Jyn exhaled a soft cry when his calloused fingers parted her, sliding up and easily.</p><p>“Off,” she hurried. “Off, please.”</p><p>Cassian obliged and worked to get her underwear down her legs, too. She moved her hips off the mattress to help and, as soon as she was free, curled back her leg over him with a pleading noise in her throat.</p><p>Jyn couldn't grind against him and have her hands between them at the same time. She needed to make a strategic choice.</p><p>Stroking his silky length with more pressure, she enjoyed the way he moaned helplessly. She pressed the head of his cock between her legs and rolled her hips, begging for him to push inside. Cassian entered her, slow and careful, moving on top of her again, his whole body laying over her. Their kiss got messier, more breathy than sensual, but Jyn couldn't stop the shivers of ecstasy running down her spine.</p><p>She couldn’t believe he was here—</p><p>Having him fully inside her, stretching her with a slight burn of pleasure, was everything she needed right now. He just felt so good. So fucking good.</p><p>“You, too,” Cassian breathed into her hair.</p><p>Jyn's chest hiccuped. She wound her hand into his short, luscious hair. The other grabbed his shoulder, coming over his back, holding on to him for dear life. It’d been so long since she hadn’t felt the need to perform. She could just <em>be</em>, because Cassian already knew her. He already knew her better than anyone.</p><p>Her entire body tensed and relaxed in rhythm with his as he moved inside her, borrowing the frontiers of her body just as much as she did his. Jyn melted under him, years of memories rushing back to the surface. Cassian’s arms were so familiar, so comforting. The way he kissed her, the way he whispered her name.</p><p>“Jyn, Jyn…”</p><p>Oh God, she was so happy. So profoundly happy to be here with him, not just in her heart but in her inner shelf. And maybe a part of her had hoped… going to their old bar— but she never imagined that he would actually <em>be </em>there. She never imagined that she would see him tonight, because he was supposed to be on another continent, a whole life away from her. But he was here, with her, and she didn’t want for this night to end.</p><p>Cassian's pace wasn’t rushed but it wasn't slow lovemaking either. His skin radiated again hers. His hands roamed all over her body, making her gasp and moan and cry. He thrust into her, his voice coming in short, breathy sounds. Jyn buried her face in the crook of his neck, blood pulsing into her ears. Her belly was on fire; she felt so good, so loosened. Every nerve of her body carrying pleasure back to her brain through a lustful fog.</p><p>She wanted to freeze time on that embrace.</p><p>Cassian came with a throaty moan, panting hard against her shoulder. He kissed the sweat from her skin, slowing down his movements until he finally stopped moving. Jyn held him inside her, still, her arms wrapped around his neck. They lingered until he started to soften again, and he slid out, leaving a trail of warmth behind him. Jyn gasped, breathless.</p><p>Something snapped inside her. All of her bliss replaced by a terribly cold pain. Fear overwhelmed her. She tensed and burrowed between his arms, wordlessly begging.</p><p>Cassian held her tighter, sensing her sudden distress. His hands framed her face, brushing her hair away, trying to catch her eyes.</p><p>“¿Qué pasa?” he whispered, a concerned frown on his face. “Jyn, mírame.”</p><p>She shook her head, tears spilling from the corners of her eyes, and squeezed him in a crushing hug. Cassian kept trying to make her talk. His low voice caressing her ear, probing questions and reassurances until she finally broke.</p><p>She couldn’t keep it locked inside.</p><p>“Te amo,” she cried with a raspy voice, choked by her tears. “Te amo demasiado. Cassian, te amo.”</p><p>Far from making her feel better, the confession punched her in the guts. Jyn had always ruined everything. She knew she was fucked up. She knew this wasn’t real. She knew—</p><p>But life was so color-washed without him.</p><p>Cassian stroked her face, his thumbs wiping away her tears just as they were replaced by new ones. He didn’t stop. He kissed her, oh so gently, on her forehead, on her cheeks, on her nose. Jyn’s heart battled to keep beating. She opened her mouth to drag a breath in, lips trembling as much as her arms around him.</p><p>He rested his face against her, close to her ear, and his voice became nothing but a steady stream of warmth. “Shh, shh. Tranquila. No llores, mi amor. Yo también, te amo. Tú lo sabes, ¿no?”</p><p>Still entangled in his protective arms, her whole body pressed against him, Jyn couldn’t fight the pull. She kept on rambling, tripping over her words, out of practice, but too distraught to abandon her last defense. The only way for her to vocalize those burning, shameful feelings stuck inside her heart. “Cassian, no puedo… No te vayas. No puedo otra vez… Te amo. Quiero que— que te quedes conmigo. Quédate conmigo.”</p><p>She opened her eyes, at last, looking for an answer. Terrified of his reaction.</p><p>Cassian curled his hands behind her neck, so close his eyelashes tickled her skin. “Sí, todo lo que quieras,” he said and kissed her lips longer. She wanted to believe him. With her whole heart, she did. “Estoy aquí. Estoy contigo, no te preocupes. Pero ya, por favor deja de llorar.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>[translation]<br/>C: What's wrong? Jyn, look at me.<br/>J: I love you. I love so much. Cassian, I love you.<br/>C: Shh, shh. It's alright. Don't cry, love. I love you, too. You know that, right?<br/>J: Cassian, I can't... Don't go. I can't do it again. I love you. I want you to stay. Stay with me.<br/>C: Anything you want. I'm here. I'm with you, don't worry. Now stop crying, please.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>They are going to talk about it. Later.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>It's very late (or early) when I'm posting this, so it's likely there is some mistakes I didn't catch. My apologies in advance, but for now, please enjoy :) The next chapter *should* be the last, but you know what, I'm giving up on planning anything with this story because -obviously- it's not working lol.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Two days in a row, Jyn woke up in her ex-boyfriend’s arms.</p><p>Slight improvement this time: she remembered falling asleep with him. Nothing triggered her fight-or-flight response. She didn’t move, welcoming the comforting warmth of his presence, Cassian’s solid chest pressed behind her. His regular breathing matched hers like a rolling tide. (She’d bet her blood pressure had come down thanks to him.)</p><p>With sunlight peeking through the blinds, Jyn fixed the broken mirror reclined on the opposite wall. Coming back, she’d hope for… an answer, or a sense of closure maybe. Now, despite her brain kicking and screaming warnings, trying to rein her in, she couldn’t ignore that hopeful taste of love.</p><p>Oh, she was <em>so </em>fucked.</p><p>Like a mind-reader, Cassian stirred behind her. The arm laying across her waist gently pulled her closer. He kissed her neck, the contact of his lips burning a sweet spot on her skin. Jyn closed her eyes again. They were too close, they were too deep. No way she could resist. She craved his touch like oxygen.</p><p>Jyn shared her thoughts with a soft moan. He kissed her again, longer, right behind the ear. Deadly on target. (<em>So fucked</em>.)</p><p>She rolled over to face him, legs intertwined and locked. His hands slid down her back easily, following the curve of her spine. She definitely had the man's attention. She pressed her nose against his, close enough that she could feel his scruff on her cheek. “Hi,” Jyn said.</p><p>“Hi.” His voice was hoarse in the morning and quite frankly arousing. He smiled, although she was only able to feel it. “Slept well?”</p><p>“Yes.” She always did when he was around. Quite unfair if you’d ask her.</p><p>“Me, too.” He gave a little nudge of the nose.</p><p>Jyn pinched him below the ribs, where she knew he was ticklish. He squirmed to the side, choking on his laugh.</p><p>“Stop trying to be charming,” she warned. “I know all your tricks.”</p><p>“All of them, uh?” Cassian grabbed her wrist and pinned it above her head.</p><p>She still had one hand free and used it to retaliate, targeting the same spot. She got more laugh out of him, intersected with some swearing. Cassian then shifted on top of her, blocking both her hands at a safe distance. He paused and looked down, arms extended to support himself, a smug smile on his stupidly handsome face. “What now?”</p><p>Jyn raised her chin up in defiance. “You think you win?”</p><p>“I’d like to see you trying to get me off,” he teased, “with those big muscles of yours.”</p><p>A little laugh moved her chest. “Why would I try to get you off,” Jyn mocked, and she wrapped her legs around his waist to pull him down,” when I could try to… <em>get you off</em>.”</p><p>Registering the strategic mistake, Cassian freed her hands and leaned on his elbows, putting his weight on her. Jyn welcomed his body against her, relaxing under his reassuring proximity. The scent of his skin was warm and pleasant, smelling so much like <em>him</em> that she couldn’t resist finding more of it. Her fingers slipped under his t-shirt on their own, moving up his back with soft strokes.</p><p>Cassian’s lips came close to kissing her, but he held back at the last moment. “This is cheating,” he breathed out.</p><p>Jyn ignored the urge to chase after him with award-worthy self-control. “Says who?”</p><p>“Says <em>you</em>.” He squeezed her waist, digging into her flesh, and Jyn realized that his hands had slipt under her (his) sleeping clothes, too. Uh oh, troubles. “If I remember correctly… you said something about ‘no sex ever again’.”</p><p>Right. She’d said <em>that</em>. Mostly on impulse.</p><p>“I never said anything about making out,” Jyn argued. She stirred her neck but Cassian reared back again, giving her the “<em>Ah, ah,</em>” treatment. No doubt enjoying his moment. She glared at him, a menacing frown on her face. It only managed to make him happier with himself. Short of patience, Jyn moaned: “Now take it or leave it, Andor.”</p><p>His smile slowly faded away, replaced by the heated desire she could clearly see shining in his dark eyes. Granted victory, Cassian dived down and met her with a passionate kiss that knocked the air out of her lungs.</p><p>He savored her lips for long moments, caressing her tongue slowly and moving with her. His hands gently roaming over her body; on her waist, on her neck, on her breasts. A shy moan swelled in her throat as he touched her. Jyn hadn’t been kissed like that in a long, long time. (Well, technically untrue, but the blurred fragments of their drunk hook-up didn’t hold up to the present moment.)</p><p>Judging by the way he bit her lip and moaned into her mouth each time she kneaded her fingers in the small of his back, he most certainly shared the opinion.</p><p>Everything else faded away.</p><p>They soon find themselves breathing hard against each other’s faces, entangled in each other’s arms. Jyn had dragged his t-shirt all the way up to his shoulder blades. He had hers across her chest and cupped one of her breasts, his thumb grazing over a nipple teasingly. Jyn let out a trembling sigh and pressed herself into his hand. She kissed him again, holding the back of his neck.</p><p>As he kissed back eagerly, warm pleasure started to pool between her legs. Her instinctive reaction was to roll her hips against him, trying to ease that ache—which helped and didn’t help.</p><p>Cassian’s hot breath itching down her neck did <em>not </em>help.</p><p>He dragged his lips over her sensitive skin, inch by inch, kissing with the flat of his tongue and sucking on it.</p><p>“Don’t you dare,” Jyn complained. (Or tried to. If it didn’t sound so much like a moan.)</p><p>“Wear a turtleneck,” he said, not changing his plans, “it’s Winter.”</p><p>“I have to face your <em>whole </em>goddamn family—”</p><p>Cassian fondled her breast a little harder in his palm, which definitely derailed her thoughts. Then he scraped his teeth on her earlobe and whispered: “Shut up, Erso.”</p><p>Alright. Turtleneck it is, then. She had a very nice cream one she could wear today. Anything to let Cassian do whatever he wanted to her. Which, at the moment, included leaving his mark on her. (Old habits die hard. Or something like that.)</p><p>She wouldn’t exactly call Cassian a jealous man but he always had been terribly protective of her. Ready to break some knees if she just said the words, or likely to bail her out from a fight <em>she </em>started. Mostly: a big gloating idiot. He loved to show her off. He loved for everybody to know that Jyn was <em>his</em>, and this was <em>theirs</em>, and nobody else could have it. Nobody else could break it.</p><p>So, naturally, they had to do it themselves.</p><p>
  <em>Uh, shit. Abort thoughts. Abort.</em>
</p><p>“Cass,” she gasped, trying to anchor herself in the moment.</p><p>Her name echoed in response. The familiar pattern of his voice made her toes curl under the sheets. A soft groan down the side of her throat sparked another rush of adrenaline, flooding her system with a lustful need. Her heartbeat was deafening to her ears. Jyn drew her legs higher, to rest over his hip bones, cradling his lean body in the valleys of her.</p><p>They locked into another hard kiss, and their lips got messier while the rest of them fired up with sweet longing. Feeding each other with stimuli and attentions.</p><p>Her hands spread in his short hair. She scraped her nails against his scalp and Cassian groaned in a low voice. The vibrations traveled through her like a caress. Another roll of her body under him and his hardening cock put pressure right where she wanted it. Jyn broke the kiss with a raspy sound of pleasure, hips jerking up to follow him.</p><p>“Ah, there’s the right spot,” Cassian smiled, arrogance in his tone.</p><p>He secured Jyn's leg around his waist with a hand behind her knee, only to grind a little harder on her, stroking his length for both their enjoyment. A sharp wave of arousal rippled under her skin, sparks flying in every direction, making her weak in the pit of her stomach. She guided his lips down her neck again. <em>More. More. Please.</em></p><p>Jyn's brain slowly surrendered, overwhelmed by his touch, his smell, his warmth. His <em>voice</em>.</p><p>No one could (un)do her like Cassian.</p><p>The few layers of fabric left between them began to bother her. She wanted to feel him naked. To feel him inside her, where he had her wet and aching. She could play with words all she wanted but they were having sex. Extremely pleasant sex. And keeping her voice to herself started to prove challenging.</p><p>“What do you want?” he whispered.</p><p>Well, the straight answer was: an orgasm. Although it wasn’t what Cassian was asking.</p><p>“You decide,” Jyn said, licking her lips. She lowered one of her hands to follow the line of his left shoulder, coming over his arm, curling around his bicep in a tight grasp. She couldn’t glimpse at it but, in her mind, she felt the metaphorical weight of his tattoo. Her heart throbbed with such yearning that she couldn’t move for fear of breaking it. <em>You’re still mine. Don’t ever stop being mine. </em></p><p>Cassian kissed her lips again, leaving small bites along her jawline and down her throat. Between heavy breaths, he pressed his forehead against her and said: “Good girl.”</p><p>Jyn whined. Sex, really, had never been the problem between them.</p><p>(She couldn't wait to wreck him.)</p><p>Cassian rounded his back in order to reach lower places with his mouth. His lips replaced his fingers on her breasts, closing around a hard nipple. She swallowed the high-pitched moan that wanted to escape her. Her head fell backward on his pillow, filling her lung with a deep breath at the same time. When Cassian’s tongue started to trace slow circles over her skin, Jyn parted her lips and softly cried.</p><p>His hands, more rugged than she remembered but skilled all-the-same, lingered at her waist for a moment. His fingers mapped the shape of her body attentively, following the defined muscles of her abdomen, the navel piercing, the sensitive place in the deep of her hip bone, before coming back up to her ribs.</p><p>Each of his touches, slow and attentive, created goosebumps on her shivering skin. Jyn groaned, her arousal becoming increasingly maddening. When he finally detached his mouth from her, taking a short break, Cassian lowered his face to her ribcage. There, below the swell of her right breast, he placed another lingering kiss.</p><p>Right where the black ink under her skin matched his, tracing the first letter of his name.</p><p>Jyn lowered her chin to meet his eyes. They were doing all the talking for Cassian on this fine morning: heavy, dark, and so in love with her that she felt like the luckiest woman in the world. What a terrible mistake to indulge in— but she’d made bigger mistakes already. She couldn’t run from this one.</p><p>“It makes it really awkward to date,” she whispered, brushing his hair away from his forehead.</p><p>“It does,” Cassian agreed, leaning into her hand.</p><p>“I never know if I have to mention it before or after I’m naked.”</p><p>He dipped his head to leave another kiss on her sternum, his mouth open, the flat of his tongue tasting a thin layer of sweat on her skin. “The obvious solution here,” and he kissed a beauty mark across her torso, “is to only get naked with me.”</p><p>“Ah,” Jyn hummed, “wouldn’t you like that.”</p><p>“I would,” he said in a deep, gravelly voice, “very much.” Cassian moved lower down her stomach with his mouth, readjusting his body on the bed. “So I’m the only one to know how good you look without clothes.” He hooked his fingers in the waistband of her (his) boxer and gently pulled it down her legs. She raised her feet just long enough to get rid of it. Cassian brought back his lips against her skin, sucking on her piercing briefly and kissing a spot just above short trimmed hair. All the while his hands spread her apart, lifting her legs over his shoulders as he settled down. “So I’m the only one to know how good you taste.”</p><p>Jyn was close to asystole. With every word he uttered, his hot breath hit her slick cunt and it took everything of her not to move. She was too fierce to beg, but she miserably whimpered, dying from anticipation.</p><p>At last, Cassian took pity on her. He pressed his mouth to her wet skin and formed a kiss that sounded obscenely loud in the silence of his room. Jyn tensed from head to toe, searing pleasure flooding in all directions. Next, his tongue darted out and licked a trail upward, exploring and teasing. He did a few passes while Jyn’s hand curled around the sheets like iron. She pressed the other one over her mouth, stopping her short from crying out.</p><p>What she couldn’t scream, she made sure to translate into motion. She followed his mouth with every inch he allowed her, desperate to feel <em>more, more, there, oh shit— </em></p><p>The slight burn of his stubble inside her thighs almost made her lose her mind. When he started to draw small circles with his tongue, very much like he’d done to her breasts, Jyn whimpered behind her hand, eyes rolling back in her head. Her body directed so much blood to her core that she could feel that familiar throbbing inside her, responding to his relentless build-up.</p><p>Jyn choked on a sound that might have been his name. Unclear.</p><p>Cassian produced a low groan in response, seemingly enjoying himself very much. The gentle pressure of his finger entering her had her seeing white spots behind her eyelids. Jyn arched her back, gripping his hair, and threw her whole arm over her face.</p><p>He licked at her without shame, pressed a second finger inside, and moved his hand very slowly. Like he wanted to draw this out as long as possible.</p><p>It might not make much difference this morning. Jyn was a very brain-wired person when it came to sex and love. The sole fact that she was with <em>Cassian</em>, after so many years of longing… the blissful familiarity of his body… Seeing how turned on she was, she probably would've come just by penetration alone. So, getting god-tier oral from the man was a guaranteed shortcut to orgasm.</p><p>“My turn, after,” she whispered in a daze.</p><p>His breath faltered. Jyn smiled, her lips parted, one hand still in his hair.</p><p>She couldn’t deny how good it felt to be with him. She was so close to reaching that peak of pleasure, so damn close. His fingers got a little rougher. He kissed and sucked and teased, his whole face pressed between her thighs. Behind her eyelids, Jyn could almost see stars. Her heart beating so fast it left her breathless… and then…</p><p>“Cassian! <em>Cassian</em>!” A loud banging against the door, followed by mischievous laughter.</p><p>Jyn nearly had a heart attack, jumping up in a panic. Cassian pushed himself upright; they rearranged quickly, him by the door side and Jyn shielded by his body. She drew the covers over their naked bodies, eyeing the door with apprehension.</p><p>“Tell me you locked it,” she whispered.</p><p>“I don’t think so,” he answered.</p><p>Jyn shivered in horror. Another salve of banging and children's voices coming from the other side. Judging by their enthusiasm, they were having a great time. “Cassian! You awake? Gabby said you need to get up!”</p><p>Cassian hung his head low with a groan, then turned to Jyn. “The twins,” he mouthed.</p><p>She rested her head on his shoulder, riding down the euphoria quickly. (Nothing like screaming children in close range to turn you off.) Jyn pressed a soft kiss on the back of his shoulder. Cassian waited, his knees up in a seating position, for the little monsters to clear the air. She thought she recognized Milo’s voice complaining from a distance that no one had waited for him.</p><p>The running footsteps then took off.</p><p>“Great,” Cassian snorted. He moved his hand to cup the side of her face and tilted his head to her. “Sorry about that…”</p><p>“That was a close one,” Jyn said, half-amused. “I would’ve paid good money to see you trying to explain why you had your face between my legs.”</p><p>“Instructions unclear. I got stuck down there.” He put an arm behind her, sifting his body to embrace her. “Milo’s right. I really don’t know how to make a baby.” Jyn laughed, relaxing in his arms again. Then he added with an alluring voice: “Want me to finish you?”</p><p>As tempting as it was, Jyn shook her head. “Another time… I’d rather take a shower and wash away all my sins before your mother comes down herself.”</p><p>“Probably wise.” He stroked her back with a soft touch and angled his face down, searching for her lips. Jyn kissed him and lingered, still full of desire. When they finally parted, Cassian brushed her hair over her shoulder and kissed her neck one last time. She felt him breathed a mocking laugh against her skin. “Don’t forget the turtleneck.”</p><p>⁂</p><p>Slowly but surely, the Andors’ residence started to descend into Christmas madness. One of those days that made Cassian miss the quiet peace of a patrol boat lost in the western Pacific ocean; even sharing his quarters with twenty men and only four hours to catch some sleep between two watches. Those two months chasing after illegal fishing boats in an effort to document the difficult task of Palau’s officials against foreign piracy seemed to belong to another life. <em>Especially </em>that one time they exchanged fire with a Chinese crew that resulted in fatal casualties.</p><p>Something Cassian had never mentioned to his family. Hopefully, no one would be interested enough to read his finished publication, among other stories he had drafted those past few years. Some less dramatic, but not by much.</p><p>Shaking off the heaviness in his limbs, Cassian focused on Jyn to combat the dark echoes. She sat next to him with a sleeping Milo on her lap. (The older kids had disappeared from the dinner table already, gathering in Ria’s room to play with her dusty PS2.) Jyn was beautiful, radiant; with her hair down and the same red lipstick from the bar, her bright green eyes full of life and warmth, the sound of her voice laughing at something his sister had said.</p><p>He wanted her back in his life so much it was painful to watch her. But he wasn't imagining it— the closeness they shared anew, the shift in her attitude, defenses coming down.</p><p>She was letting him in, and he intended to not fuck it up again. Not this time.</p><p>“So, are you still homeless?” Magda asked, shifting the topic around the table.</p><p><em>Here we go</em>, he thought, unfazed. For the major part of the afternoon, Cassian had managed to avoid any real probe about his personal life, but he knew he wouldn't get off the hook so easily. He was only surprised the attack came from Magda (oldest cousin, mother of the twins, recently divorced—<em>do not brush that topic ever</em>).</p><p>He redirected his attention across the table.</p><p>“I'm not exactly <em>homeless</em>,” Cassian said with a scoff of annoyance.</p><p>“Still living with your mother,” his aunt—Genesis; the one he expected to grill him—added. Her judgmental tone never failed her. Good old Genesis. At least, she was consistent.</p><p>“For now,” he said, leaning back in his chair. “I came back two weeks ago. I'll look for something to rent next month.”</p><p>“There's no urgency,” his mother said. And Cassian could sense the visible effort she made to not snap at her sister. Although she raised her voice to say: “My son is welcome in <em>my</em> house <em>anytime</em>.” (Alright, scratch the previous statement.)</p><p>Sitting across from Cassian, Ria hid a mocking smile behind her hand and feigned some interest in her empty plate.</p><p>“So you're planning on staying?” Magda asked again.</p><p>“For a while, yes.” Cassian fought not to look at Jyn beside him. This wasn't a conversation he wanted to have in front of the whole family.</p><p>“Well, that'll do you some good. If you keep hopping around like that you'll end up alone wondering why you wasted your youth being that…<em> free spirit</em>, instead of starting a family.”</p><p>“He didn't <em>waste</em> his youth,” Jyn suddenly groaned.</p><p>—Which had Cassian shooting a surprised look at her. Not that it was surprising for Jyn to voice her opinion or to confront his family, but after their conversation last night… he had expected her to share some of Magda’s views. Her support made his heart ache even more. Before he could add anything, his sister jumped in the defense squad as well. And, by God, Ria was a killer, going straight for the jugular.</p><p>“By the way, aren't you the one who just ended your marriage? And you're what— one year older than him?” She snorted. “Or is your life over and done, too? <em>Tragic</em>.”</p><p>A mixed wave of indignation and laughter moved around the table. Cassian reached for the hot mug in front of him and wished there was more rum than fruits in his punch.</p><p>“Tus hijos son como su padre,” Genesis had the nerve to comment.</p><p>“<em>Mis hijos</em> no tienen que escuchar tus pinches comentarios sin decir nada,” his mother argued without missing a beat. And he knew, he <em>knew</em>, how fortunate he was to have been raised by a woman like her. “Cassian tiene un buen trabajo y gana mucho dinero. No necesita casarse y tener hijos solo para hacerte feliz.”</p><p>Genesis rolled her eyes and waved a hand in the air. “Oh, come on, Gabby. As if you don’t hope for it! You can’t exactly count on Ria anymore to give you grandchildren, can you?”</p><p>“What the f—” his sister started, almost slamming her palms on the table.</p><p>While one side of the table broke into a heated argument, speaking over each other and completely sidetracking Cassian’s miserable achievements in life, their side silently watched, somewhat resigned. Picking his Tres Leches with a fork, Felix (youngest cousin, a questionable haircut, and a non-confrontational personality) sighed.</p><p>“Damn, no one just wants to eat their cake in peace?” he said. “No? Just me?”</p><p>Between Jyn’s arms, Milo half-opened his eyes. Uninterest by the sudden agitation, he lolled back into sleep the next second, sucking his thumb and clutching a soft green dinosaur to his chest. Jyn pet the side of his head, stroking his hair. Her hand stalled when Adelita touched her arm, leaning toward Jyn from the end of the table, as to make sure she could be heard.</p><p>“¿Cuándo se van a casar?” she asked, old age rendering her words a little shaky.</p><p>Cassian stopped breathing.</p><p>He didn’t even know what had prompted the question but he couldn’t wait for that fucking dinner to end. He needed a cigarette. And five minutes of peace with Jyn. He pressed his leg against hers, under the table, maybe to apologize, or simply to tell her: <em>I’m with you</em>. Surely, nothing could top it off at this point. Clearly a mistake.</p><p>From <em>all </em>the things Jyn could have said, she answered gently: “No estamos listos.”</p><p>Was <em>that </em>her response to his grandmother? What did she mean?</p><p>Cassian wasn’t in such a hurry to fuck off anymore. He looked at her with an insistent stare, desperate for additional details (because if she meant… holy shit— did she?) but Jyn only kept on smiling at Adelita and ignored him. So much that when he squeezed her thigh, she kicked his tibia. Cassian groaned and nearly spilled some of his drink on the immaculate tablecloth.</p><p>Tucking back the white braids around her head with careful, elegant gestures, his grandmother lamented: “Ay, Dios mío. ¿Cuánto tiempo necesitan ustedes? Ya han pasado diez años. Háganlo antes de que me muera.”</p><p>Walking in right behind her, Evelyn stopped dead in her tracks and frowned. “Jeez, so morbid. What are you guys talking about?” In the few minutes it had taken her to go check on the sleeping baby upstairs, all hell had broken loose. She went back to sit next to her husband, who probably hadn’t follow any of it due to the language barrier.</p><p>“I’m getting canceled,” Cassian joked.</p><p>“Ah, nice,” Evelyn snorted. “Two hours to go till midnight!”</p><p>Cassian put his left arm on the back of Jyn’s chair. As she leaned into it, he shifted his body towards her and sat closer. Seeking her presence. His face hung lower, his lips brushing the crown of her head.</p><p>“We’re going to talk about that,” he whispered into her ear.</p><p>Jyn shoved her shoulder against his chest. “Shut up.” He chuckled under his breath. She was getting flushed in the cheeks and he loved to see her like that.</p><p>“Because it’s Christmas in two hours and I didn’t get you anything but if you want me—”</p><p>“Cassian,” she insisted, voice low and lips barely parted, “I will <em>end </em>your life if you even say it.”</p><p>He kissed her temple. “Later, then.”</p><p>Jyn closed her eyes briefly. At last, she turned to catch his eyes. Cassian’s pulse beat faster as they stared at each other, private from the rest of the party for just a moment. She looked down at his mouth, a golden glow shining in her gaze. There was nothing he could do to stop himself. He couldn’t fight the urge. Cassian craned his neck, sparks flying in his stomach.</p><p>He pressed a longing kiss on her lips. Jyn breathed out against him, kissing back, her eyelashes fluttering against his skin. They parted again, flawlessly. No one commented. Or maybe did he not catch it. He didn’t care.</p><p>“Yeah,” Jyn finally mumbled, looking away with her stubborn expression, “later.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>[translation]</p><p>Grandma: When are you guys getting married?<br/>J: We aren't ready.<br/>Grandma: How long do you need to decide? It's been ten years. Do it before I die.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>They talk about it, finally.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
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</p><p> </p><p>A wool blanket draped over her shoulders, Jyn slid the glass door open and stepped into the white-speckled night. Cold air bit her skin, harsh and unpleasant contrast to the warm living room. Jyn quickly walked to the terrace balustrade and wrapped her arms around Cassian's middle, inviting herself inside his coat. He placed a hand on her back, a low chuckle moving his chest, and lowered the cigarette from his mouth.</p><p>“Where's your adoptive son?” he teased.</p><p>“Adrian put him to bed.” Jyn wiggled on her legs. “Come inside. It's so damn cold.”</p><p>“Can't survive ten minutes without me, Erso?”</p><p>“I <em>can</em>,” Jyn grumbled, her chin resting against him. “I just don't want to…”</p><p>He bent his head for emphasis. “What's that?”</p><p>“Cassian,” she groaned, “finish your smoke.”</p><p>A smile softened the edges on his face. Jyn could swear his eyes looked like starlight in the dark. “Alright.” Cassian took one last puff and crushed the butt of his cigarette into an ash-filled glass. Before she could pull away to retreat inside, he closed both arms around her and said: “Wait. Do you want to talk about it now?”</p><p>Jyn frowned. She didn’t want to have this discussion in the middle of the night with her feet in the snow. “I’m cold”, she said, shaking her head. “Let’s just get inside.”</p><p>“Jyn.” Uh, oh. She didn’t like that voice. “Don’t do that.”</p><p>Yeah. She <em>hated </em>that voice.</p><p>“Do what?” she scoffed, defensively trying to pull away again. This time, Cassian let her. She took a step back and wrapped her arms tightly around herself.</p><p>The way he now looked at her made her feel worse than the cold.</p><p>“<em>That</em>,” Cassian said, and although he didn’t raise his voice, Jyn couldn’t help but feel like she was being schooled. Because this was just so like her to fuck it up, wasn’t it? She always ruined everything; she knew that. She didn’t need to <em>hear </em>it. But Cassian kept going regardless. “This is exactly why we broke up. Mind-reading doesn’t work. We have to communicate. With actual <em>words</em>.”</p><p>Alright. He might have a valid point, but he was still being unfair.</p><p>Jyn let out a breathy sound of exasperation. “What was I supposed to say? I’m not even sure she noticed we weren’t together for the past five years.”</p><p>Way to go, breaking Grandma’s heart on Christmas Eve! She wasn’t that much of a bitch, thank you very much. And, quite frankly, she didn’t expect Cassian to make such a big deal out of it. It <em>wasn’t</em>. He would have said something along the same lines, wouldn’t he?</p><p>“Just for the sake of my grandmother, then,” Cassian said. And it wasn’t even a question anymore. It was… just another disappointment in his voice.</p><p>It punched her in the guts. So painful.</p><p>Jyn waved a raging hand in the air. “I don’t know, Cassian. What do you want me to tell you? That we should get <em>married</em>? Are you fucking crazy?”</p><p>He looked down for a second, a little twitch in his lips as if he wanted to smirk but couldn’t. “I guess that answers it.”</p><p>
  <em>Shit. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Oh, bloody fucking shit. </em>
</p><p>Cassian nodded to himself and walked past her, holding out his hand to reach the door.</p><p>“Hey—” Jyn tried, grabbing his arm.</p><p>He put another hand in the small of her back, as if nothing just happened. He wasn’t being petty. He wasn’t being mean about it. He wasn't trying to punish her. And that was possibly the <em>worst </em>part about it. “Let’s get inside,” he simply said, “you’re cold.”</p><p>Jesus Christ, she wanted to strangle him.</p><p>That might have left a bad impression on his grandmother, too.</p><p> </p><p>⁂</p><p> </p><p>Jyn didn’t have time to come up with a plan before midnight hit. She sat by the fireplace, listening to the crackling sounds of the burning wood, and watched as everyone exchanged their Christmas gifts. They had a Secret Santa in place; this year, Evelyn had picked Cassian’s name. She gifted him an expensive new lens for his digital camera and he was easily persuaded to fetch his material in order to test it.</p><p>The minute he reappeared with his reflex camera in hand, all focused and skillful, Jyn couldn’t help but feel her stomach twist with want. It was familiar and needy, a bit haunting.</p><p>She had always been attracted to him, from the very first time they met in that same bar some ten years ago. (She still remembered how he frowned at her fake ID but didn’t rat her out to the barman; and how he broke her out of a fight she’d started with some guy that wouldn’t take no for an answer. That night, Cassian threw her over his shoulder and carried her outside to ‘get some air’. She kissed him instead because— how could she not when he smiled at her like that?)</p><p>Cassian had that same confident smile as he took pictures of his family, adjusting the settings on his new lens before raising the camera to eye-level again. He looked like a kid with a new shiny toy. She still wanted to kiss him.</p><p>She wanted to make it right but stood paralyzed by fear.</p><p>When he turned to her, his smile slowly vanished, replaced by a difficult frown, and Jyn knew she’d been right to be afraid. She had fucked this up. Or maybe there was no way for them to make it through the weekend. What was she even thinking? Life wasn’t this simple. It had been nice, just for a minute, to imagine… But tomorrow she would go back to her life, and Cassian to his. Another goodbye.</p><p>(<em>What if I don’t survive this time</em>.)</p><p>She pressed her lips together to suppress a quiver of sorrow, then exhaled and forced herself to relax her traits. She couldn’t bear the idea of making a fool of herself in front of his whole family. Bad enough that she showed up uninvited; she wouldn’t spoil Christmas on top of it.</p><p>On the other side of the room, Cassian pointed the camera in her direction and his face disappeared behind it. She couldn’t smile anymore but she hoped that he read her eyes. <em>I didn’t want to push you away.</em></p><p>It took him a moment to inspect the photos he took of her; Jyn wondered if they were all bad. Cassian used to lament that she could never stand still long enough for him to snap a few pictures. (Not that it ever deterred him from trying.)</p><p>She didn’t hear his voice over the loud chatter of conversations but he looked her in the eyes and mouthed: “Hermosa.”</p><p> </p><p>⁂</p><p> </p><p>After an ultimate round of <em>buenas noches, dulces sueños</em>, Cassian was ready to call it a night. He made a stop in the first-floor bathroom to brush his teeth and wash his face, and then walked back to the little staircase leading to the basement.</p><p>He spotted his sister exiting the kitchen with a midnight snack in hand. The pair exchanged a small grin and Cassian heard Ria’s footsteps climbing upstairs. His own stomach more than full, he ignored the many leftovers piled on the kitchen table and turned off the lights. Cassian knew the layout well enough to move around in the dark. At the bottom of the stairs, he was greeted by a little light coming from his room, door left ajar.</p><p>Jyn sat on his bed cross-legged, already in sleepwear, noticeably waiting for him. She had removed her makeup and let her hair down, which made her look younger in the soft shadows. He closed the door behind him and, this time, made sure to lock it.</p><p>“You’re such a dick,” Jyn mumbled without preamble.</p><p>Cassian let out a choking sound, hesitating between indignation and amusement. What the hell had he done now?</p><p>“Excuse me?”</p><p>Jyn looked up to catch his eyes. All he saw in hers was distress. That stopped him cold from arguing.</p><p>“Why do you put this on me?” She fidgeted with the hem of her oversized t-shirt, an unhappy frown between her brows. Defensive mode. Cassian’s heart sunk a little in his chest. Jyn didn’t let him gather his thoughts before pursuing, just as sharp as ever. “If you’re so offended because I didn’t answer a question you didn’t ask, then be a man and ask instead of brooding!”</p><p>This left him speechless for far too long. A shame for someone in his profession, supposedly good at putting information into impactful words. Yet it was far easier to report on external situations, no matter how dreadful or agonizing, than to shine a light on his own life.</p><p>“I’m not <em>brooding</em>.”</p><p>Pathetic counterargument. Was that the best his degree can do? Way to go, Andor.</p><p>“Right,” Jyn sneered. She shook her head and crawled back in bed, turning away from him. She obviously intended it to be the end of it. The <em>end </em>of it.</p><p>But it couldn’t be— because it couldn’t end between them. Not another time. Not like that. He knew what was still there. He hadn’t listened to her five years ago, when she begged him not to go. But he wouldn’t walk away now.</p><p>Cassian closed the distance to his bed, a vulnerable feeling in his throat, and climbed beside her. He grabbed Jyn by a shoulder and forced her to turn around. This wouldn’t be words to be said to a wall. She groaned, unhappy, making a show of her frustration. Cassian didn’t rise to the bait and shoved his anger down.</p><p>“Fine,” he said in a low voice. “Then tell me you love me.”</p><p>She scoffed. “Is that an <em>order</em>?”</p><p>She never made anything easy, did she? But this was part of the deal, too. Cassian had learned one thing or two in his job. Investigative reporters weren't discouraged easily; one might even say that they were more resistant than bed bugs. Well, time to prove it.</p><p>“I know you do,” Cassian insisted, “so cut the shit.”</p><p>Judging by the murderous look in her eyes, she didn't want to humor him. She rolled her shoulder to get clear of his hand but she couldn't retreat into the wall. She didn’t try either. She crossed her arms around her legs, curling on herself, and barely articulated through her teeth. “If you’re so convinced, I don’t see why I should tell you anything.”</p><p>Cassian sighed. So fucking stubborn. (But he'd been the one telling her that he missed the arguing so— karma, probably.)</p><p>“I need you to be able to say it,” he patiently explained. “Not when you’re drunk. Not when you won’t remember it… Just tell me you love me, Jyn. Tell me, please.” He brushed a strand of hair away from her face, cupping her cheek and looking for her eyes. “Just let me in.”</p><p>For the longest time, Jyn only stared back at him, expressionless, unreadable. Frozen solid. Cassian had to consider the possibility that it might not be enough. Despite his best attempts, despite what he knew, despite what he thought they both wanted, Jyn might not have been willing to take that risk. Maybe it was too late, after all, and some things couldn’t be repaired. He hoped not. With all his heart, he wanted to believe it.</p><p>Then he watched her lips open to let out a small breath, and she said, eyes full of stars: “I love you.”</p><p>He grabbed her face between his hands, smiling at her, feeling all his worry dissolve. There she was; his partner in crime. “I love you, Erso.” And he kissed her with all the devotion he could harvest from within his atoms, all the adoration and passion he had always felt for her. His fingers in her hair and his lips against hers. Feeling her kissing back just as eagerly.</p><p>When they finally broke apart to breathe, he leaned against her forehead. Jyn still held his wrists but soon released him to intertwine their hands instead. She had drifted imperceptibly closer, almost pressed into his embrace, her tights on each side of him as she came to straddle him.</p><p>“Tomorrow,” Cassian said, knowing they needed a plan of action more than romantic declarations, “let me come with you. I’ll find something to rent near you. We can look for a place together if you want. Let’s try again.”</p><p>Offer on the table. Something concrete and possibly devastating for both of them if it happened to fail. But Cassian wouldn’t let it fall apart this time. Love did not solve everything. Love would never be enough to hold them together. Cassian knew that now, and he was ready to work for it. He would work for it more than anything else in his life because soulmates weren’t born, soulmates were made. And Jyn had made him hers long ago.</p><p>Facing him, Jyn still looked fearful, anxious, her voice flat and distant. As if she expected him to pull back at the last moment. “What about— don’t you have a job or something?”</p><p>“I only need a wifi connection to work.”</p><p>She fixed the center of his chest for a while. Her expression gradually softened, letting vulnerability shone through the cracks in the walls. “I suppose I have that,” she said, pinching his t-shirt between two fingers. “And a bigger bed than this one.”</p><p>“That would be nice,” Cassian smirked, a warm pressure in the pit of his stomach.</p><p>“I have weird shifts at work,” she warned. “Mostly nights.”</p><p>“Aren’t we lucky that I happen to make my own schedule,” he said. And kissed her cheekbone like a reassurance.<em> I’m serious. Trust me. Nothing can’t be worked out.</em> “We’re better at this. We can make it work, I promise. We’ll get you a dog, and a stupid baby."</p><p>If they weren’t sitting so close to each other, he might have missed her little gasp of surprise. Jyn looked him square in the eyes, back to business, and deadpanned: "Two."</p><p>"Two dogs."</p><p>"No."</p><p>Cassian couldn’t suppress a laugh. "I know," he whispered with a smile. "Jyn— you’re the love of my life.”</p><p>Admittedly, he expected a different reaction than Jyn punching his shoulder.</p><p>“I don’t want you to <em>settle </em>for me,” she argued, borderline whining.</p><p>“I’m not! I’m fighting for you. I want this life with you.” If she would only listen to him for once, that stubborn thick-head. “And I’ll still be gone sometimes, but trust me when I say I will always come back to you. Always. You’re the constant in my life. My little lighthouse.”</p><p>How many ways could he find to say it until she <em>finally </em>believed him?</p><p>Jyn’s hands rested over his shoulders, fingertips lightly digging into him. “If you want me—” she started and Cassian made sure to listen to every single word leaving her mouth, “you have to swear that you’ll never regret it. Even when you're mad at me.”</p><p>“I won’t.”</p><p>“You have to swear that if one day I say ‘come home’, you won’t ask. You'll just come home.”</p><p>And it hit him, at last. It finally fucking hit him.</p><p>A decade later, Cassian finally knew the right thing to say. He closed his arms around her, drawing her closer by the waist, until she was safe and sound against him. His hands spread on her back, feeling the rapid rhythm of her breathing and the warmth of her skin through her clothes. “I promise. I won't be like your father, Jyn.”</p><p>She blinked at him, eyes glossy in the night, her lips pressed together into a pensive grimace. As she caved in, she locked her arms around his neck, burying her face against his skin. Her hug was like a fight he’d won, strong and confident and unbreakable.</p><p>He felt her lips moving in his neck as clearly as he heard her voice, saying: “Okay.”</p><p>“Okay,” Cassian repeated, cradling her just as hard. <em>It took us longer than most but five years mean nothing for a life with you. </em>“Ahora, estamos listos.”</p><p>Jyn laughed and kissed his neck, lingering down his throat. “Hmm hmm,” she mouthed, hands stroking his nape with a teasing touch. “Termina lo que empezaste esta mañana.”</p><p>Cassian squeezed her thighs and pressed her down on his lap, a shiver of arousal passing through his body. He turned his head to kiss her ear, her neck, her face, enjoying the soft sounds of pleasure she made just for him. He smiled at her and kissed her lips again, willing to do anything and everything she wanted as long as she trusted him with her heart.</p><p>“Tienes suerte de que cerré la puerta esta vez.”</p><p>“I know,” Jyn said above a murmur, hands wound in his hair, holding onto him for dear life, “I’m very lucky, my love.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>It hope you enjoyed this little story that was supposed to be a one-shot. 😬<br/>I'd like to write a last sex scene eventually, but for now I don't have it in me to be in smut mode and I want to clean my folders/my head. I hope it's a good ending in itself, and that the emotions were hopefuly a satisfying conclusion to it! </p><p>Thank you for reading, it would make me very happy if you leave a little comment! &lt;3</p>
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